Dick’s Will No Longer Sell Replacement Dicks

CORAPOLIS, PENNSYLVANIA — Retail giant Dick’s Sporting Goods announced today that they will no longer be in the business of selling phallic replacement devices, in the wake of one the country’s most popular stand-in penises being used to murder 17 people at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida on Valentine’s Day, earlier this… Continue reading Dick’s Will No Longer Sell Replacement Dicks

Dana Loesch: ‘Children Should Be Shot At, But Not Heard’

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — This morning, NRA spokesterrorist Dana Loesch gave an interview to a right-wing radio host in which she said that school shootings are “unfortunate but unfortunately necessary.” “Look, at the end of the day, liberals don’t want to hear this, but sometimes the tree of liberty needs to be watered with the blood… Continue reading Dana Loesch: ‘Children Should Be Shot At, But Not Heard’

Trump’s Bone Spurs Refute President’s Claims He’d Run Into Mass Shooting With No Gun Of His Own

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump, during a meeting with the nation’s governors, said that he would have probably charged headlong into Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, unarmed, if he had been in a position to do so. Trump has taken a very critical tack with Broward County law enforcement in the wake… Continue reading Trump’s Bone Spurs Refute President’s Claims He’d Run Into Mass Shooting With No Gun Of His Own

Ivanka Says Media Wouldn’t Ask Other President’s Daughter/Lover/Official White House Aide About His Sexual Misconduct

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An offended Ivanka Trump recently told an NBC reporter that she thought it was “inappropriate” of him to ask her about accusations of sexual misconduct against her father, President Donald Trump. Speaking to NBC’s Peter Alexander, Ivanka said that she believes there is “no truth” to the more than 20 accusations against… Continue reading Ivanka Says Media Wouldn’t Ask Other President’s Daughter/Lover/Official White House Aide About His Sexual Misconduct

Gun Rights Activist Will Only Fly Across Country On His AR-15 After Airlines Drop NRA Partnerships

SPRINGFIELD, WEST VIRGINIA — In his home town, there is perhaps no stronger or vocal proponent of the Second Amendment thanĀ Grant Phillips. That is to say, Phillips himself admits, that there is no bigger proponent of the modern reading of the Second Amendment than Phillips in his home town. The 2008 Heller Supreme Court decision… Continue reading Gun Rights Activist Will Only Fly Across Country On His AR-15 After Airlines Drop NRA Partnerships

A Statement On Cowardice From President Donald Trump’s Bone Spurs

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump spoke at CPAC — the Conservative Political Action Conference — and he pulled no punches when it came to criticizing the armed sheriff that was assigned to Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School the day of the horrific school shooting this past Valentine’s Day. Late last night, several… Continue reading A Statement On Cowardice From President Donald Trump’s Bone Spurs

Dana Loesch Can’t Figure Out Why So Many People Hate Her Just Because She Takes Money From Massacre Mongering Monsters

WASHINGTON, D.C. — NRA Spokeswoman Dana Loesch appeared on the panel of CNN’s town hall discussion of gun violence last night, and the reaction outside the NRA has been widely condemning of it. Loesch was criticized for coming off as condescending by some, and aloof by others. Then, this morning Loesch appeared at the Conservative… Continue reading Dana Loesch Can’t Figure Out Why So Many People Hate Her Just Because She Takes Money From Massacre Mongering Monsters

Local Breitbart Reader Says Marjory Stoneman Survivors Were Duped By ‘Crisis Corpses’

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Jethro Bohiggins is a devout reader of Breitbart, and he enjoys Infowars as well. Bohiggins is also a right-wing podcaster, YouTube personality, and Facebook page owner, and he says he is absolutely livid these days. Ever since the horrific tragedy at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, Jethro… Continue reading Local Breitbart Reader Says Marjory Stoneman Survivors Were Duped By ‘Crisis Corpses’

Man Who Thinks He Just Took Excruciatingly Large Dump Surprised By Dinesh D’Souza In His Toilet Bowl

CASTLE GREENS, WISCONSIN — A local man was quite surprised this morning when, after finishing what he thought was his routine morning defecation, he discovered right-wing pundit, professional conspiracy theorist, and alleged intellectual Dinesh D’Souza smiling back at him from within his toilet bowl. “Man, I was squeezing out something fierce this morning,” Jared Steenkawhiff… Continue reading Man Who Thinks He Just Took Excruciatingly Large Dump Surprised By Dinesh D’Souza In His Toilet Bowl

Does This Photo Prove Alleged School Shooting Survivor David Hogg Is Actually A 235 Year Old Extra-Terrestrial Transgender Robot Clone?

In the wake of the incident at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, some new characters have emerged onto the national political scene. Operating under the new hashtag #NEVERAGAIN, some alleged survivors of the alleged shooting have been making appearances on network and cable TV, social media, and elsewhere, championing “common sense” gun… Continue reading Does This Photo Prove Alleged School Shooting Survivor David Hogg Is Actually A 235 Year Old Extra-Terrestrial Transgender Robot Clone?