Trump Pardons John Wilkes Booth

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just hours after announcing he was going to be issuing a full presidential pardon to convicted felon and right-wing commentator Dinesh D’Souza, President Trump announced he was issuing another pardon to John Wilkes Booth, the man who killed Abraham Lincoln. “Everyone knows I love to rile up my base, and nothing will… Continue reading Trump Pardons John Wilkes Booth

Historians Uncover Robert E. Lee’s Ambien Prescription

ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA — Historians cleaning out an upstairs hall closet at the former residence of Confederate General Robert E. Lee at Arlington National Cemetery have made an amazing discovery, and this morning at a press conference they made their discovery public. “This morning, one of our three person crews that has been going through the… Continue reading Historians Uncover Robert E. Lee’s Ambien Prescription

Man Wouldn’t Be An Incel If You Ladies Would Stop Being Such B**ches And Do It With Him After You Clean His Apartment

HAMBONE, IOWA — John Sisrovich is a frustrated, lonely man, and he is a self-described “incel,” or a man who doesn’t have sex with females through no choice of his own. “It’s a little disappointing to spend day after day pining after the touch of a woman,” John tells his podcast audience this week, “and… Continue reading Man Wouldn’t Be An Incel If You Ladies Would Stop Being Such B**ches And Do It With Him After You Clean His Apartment

Fox News Picks Up “Roseanne” For Season 11

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Under considerable pressure from President Donald Trump, Fox News announced this morning it was going to purchase the rights to air “Roseanne” from ABC, and new episodes in the next season will air later this fall. “I have reached out to Rupert personally and asked him to hook Rosie up… Continue reading Fox News Picks Up “Roseanne” For Season 11

“Roseanne” Cancellation Has Trump Worried Racist Tweets ‘Can Cost You Your Job Now’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A nervous and paranoid Donald Trump picked up the phone in the Oval Office and demanded that Chief of Staff John Kelly and Press Secretary Sarah Sanders come see him immediately, worried over the news he’d just heard about ABC canceling “Roseanne.” “John! Sarah! So apparently Roseanne Barr tweeted that Valerie Jarett… Continue reading “Roseanne” Cancellation Has Trump Worried Racist Tweets ‘Can Cost You Your Job Now’

Ahead of Midterms, Trump Warns Dems: “You Can’t Impeach Me, David Dennison Took The Oath Of Office”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today from within the Oval Office, President Donald Trump issued a warning to Democrats, should they recapture both the House and Senate in this year’s midterm elections in November. “I’ve heard a lot of talk of impeachification, and let me just tell you right now — not gonna happen. You can’t impeach… Continue reading Ahead of Midterms, Trump Warns Dems: “You Can’t Impeach Me, David Dennison Took The Oath Of Office”

Trump To House Children Of Illegal Immigrants In New Kinder Koncentration Kamps

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is reportedly close to finalizing a plan to house the children of undocumented immigrants in new, specially built camp sites. The issue of immigration has long been one that Mr. Trump has relied on to rile up support among his base. The president entered 2016’s presidential election famously deriding… Continue reading Trump To House Children Of Illegal Immigrants In New Kinder Koncentration Kamps

NRA Spokesman: “A Few Dozen Dead School Kids Is A Literally Small Price To Pay For Freedom” (VIDEO)

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — This week, the National Rifle Association released a video with its Junior Deputy Media Liaison addressing school shootings in which he seemed to imply that the children killed by gunfire in classrooms each year are a “literally small price to pay” to live in America. Already this year there have been more… Continue reading NRA Spokesman: “A Few Dozen Dead School Kids Is A Literally Small Price To Pay For Freedom” (VIDEO)

Trump: “What Was I Supposed To Do, NOT Hire Criminals With Deep Russian Contacts?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As it becomes clear that Robert Mueller will not finish his investigation into Russian interference during  the 2016 presidential election before the midterms, President Trump’s tweets about it have become more and more incendiary in nature. After it was reported that two FBI informants had been in contact with the Trump campaign,… Continue reading Trump: “What Was I Supposed To Do, NOT Hire Criminals With Deep Russian Contacts?”

Trump Organization To Turn North Korean Summit Coins Into New Cryptocurrency “BitKKKoin”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite being scrubbed, for now, the highly-anticipated summit between U.S. President Donald Trump and North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un inspired the production a commemorative coin that featured both men, and the president’s family’s company has plans to use them anyway. Many people were surprised that the coin was minted, given that North… Continue reading Trump Organization To Turn North Korean Summit Coins Into New Cryptocurrency “BitKKKoin”