Flint Man To Join Space Force And Undertake Mission to Mars to Bring Back Water For His Hometown

FLINT, MICHIGAN — Though the Space Force has yet to begin accepting applications for service, 38 year old Hank Stephens says he intends to submit his as soon as the enrollment period begins. “I had no idea when I was playing Little League that I’d one day get the opportunity to go to Mars,” Hank… Continue reading Flint Man To Join Space Force And Undertake Mission to Mars to Bring Back Water For His Hometown

To Defeat Them, Trump Decides To Buy Google

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though White House lawyers are still confirming if it would be legal to do so, President Donald Trump announced today that his family company would be making an offer to acquire Google and bring it under the Trump brand. The president indicated that purchasing Google would enable him to ultimately “defeat” them.… Continue reading To Defeat Them, Trump Decides To Buy Google

Trump Demands Betsy Ross Redesign American Flag

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump did not color the American flag wrong while visiting elementary school children, despite what widespread media reporting said to the contrary. “I wasn’t coloring it wrong, I was redesigning it, so it was more betterer than the one we have right now,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office… Continue reading Trump Demands Betsy Ross Redesign American Flag

Putin Growing Irritated Hillary Is In Trump’s Mouth More Than He Is These Days

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Russian/American President Vladimir Putin (R-Kremlin) is said to be extremely irate these days, after reviewing several recent tweets sent by one of his junior employees. “Someone get that fat orange piss lover on the horn pronto,” Putin was heard screaming at his staff in Russian this morning. “I need to speak to… Continue reading Putin Growing Irritated Hillary Is In Trump’s Mouth More Than He Is These Days

Trump Signs Order Creating New Government Search Engine “Tru-gle”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the Oval Office, just hours after tweeting his displeasure about Google search results for “Trump news,” President Donald Trump signed an executive order directing his administration to form a new, government sponsored search engine. “Oh this is a really bigly one folks, gonna be a real game changer,” Trump said as… Continue reading Trump Signs Order Creating New Government Search Engine “Tru-gle”

Sarah Palin Pretty Sure She’s President Now

FLATULENT FALLS, ALASKA — Former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin is said to be boarding a jet headed for the nation’s capital at the time of publication, convinced she is now rightfully the President of the United States. “John died. Now, I may not be some fancy pants liberal elite, but I do know what… Continue reading Sarah Palin Pretty Sure She’s President Now

Huckabee Sanders Can’t Guarantee Trump’s Not Never Probably Absolutely Definitely Said The N-Word In Front of Her

WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters today that she “cannot, in good faith, guarantee” she’s never heard her boss utter the “n-word” while in the room with him. “Look, uh, the president has made it very clear that he is the least racist man who’s ever been accused by… Continue reading Huckabee Sanders Can’t Guarantee Trump’s Not Never Probably Absolutely Definitely Said The N-Word In Front of Her

Trump Argues Hush Money Payments Not Campaign Finance Fraud Because They Were Made In Confederate Dollars

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the course of the last two years, President Trump has changed his story quite significantly when it comes to the subject of hush payments made to adult film stars and Playboy playmates in exchange for their silence about sexual trysts with then Citizen Trump. This morning, President Trump changed his story… Continue reading Trump Argues Hush Money Payments Not Campaign Finance Fraud Because They Were Made In Confederate Dollars

White Serial Rapist/Murderer Supports Trump Wall So “Illegal Immigrants Don’t Steal” His Job

FORTUITO BLANCO, NORTH DAKOTA — 36 Year old Chad Biffington is a serial rapist and murderer, and he fully supports President Donald Trump’s proposal for a massive wall along the southern border, because he says he has to protect his job above all else.  “How can I not be paranoid about illegals taking my job… Continue reading White Serial Rapist/Murderer Supports Trump Wall So “Illegal Immigrants Don’t Steal” His Job

Sessions Promises To ‘Get to Bottom Of Why’ Hillary Clinton’s Lawyer, Campaign Manager Still Not Going To Prison

WASHINGTON, D.C. — More than a year and a half into the Donald Trump presidency, Hilary Clinton has still yet to see her attorney or her campaign manager sent to federal prison for a single crime. Attorney General Jeff Sessions told reporters today he is “deeply troubled” by that fact, and has dispatched “all kinds… Continue reading Sessions Promises To ‘Get to Bottom Of Why’ Hillary Clinton’s Lawyer, Campaign Manager Still Not Going To Prison