Drunken Kavanaugh Can’t Believe He’s Been Betrayed By The American Bar Association

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though the American Bar Association once endorsed Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination to the Supreme Court and Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) called that endorsement the “gold standard,” the ABA issued a statement urging a delay on the confirmation process. Mr. Kavanaugh, who witnesses say smelled like alcohol from steps away, told the Senate… Continue reading Drunken Kavanaugh Can’t Believe He’s Been Betrayed By The American Bar Association

Wall-Eyed Sean Hannity Dedicated Show’s A-Block To Repeating ‘That U.N. Press Conference Was Totally Normal’ Non-Stop

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President Donald Trump gave one of the most bizarre, careening, at times almost incoherent press conferences any world leader has ever given, this week during a meeting of the United Nations Security Council. Don’t try to convince Sean Hannity of that fact; he dedicated the entire first block of programming… Continue reading Wall-Eyed Sean Hannity Dedicated Show’s A-Block To Repeating ‘That U.N. Press Conference Was Totally Normal’ Non-Stop

Racist, Lying Little Man With Tiny Hands, Mushroom Penis, and Bad Spray Tan That Pays Women To Pee On Him While He Fantasizes About Fucking His Own Daughter Can’t Understand Why Anyone Would Laugh At Him

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President Trump just doesn’t understand why anyone would ever laugh at his expense, sources close to the most powerful man in the free world, but he won’t rest until he finds out why. “Why did they laugh at me, Ivanka? Why,” Trump was overheard howling to his daughter in the… Continue reading Racist, Lying Little Man With Tiny Hands, Mushroom Penis, and Bad Spray Tan That Pays Women To Pee On Him While He Fantasizes About Fucking His Own Daughter Can’t Understand Why Anyone Would Laugh At Him

Trump Demands Accusers Confirm If Kavanaugh’s Genitals Look Like Any Video Game Characters

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump issued a formal presidential decree, despite that potentially not even being a thing, according to some/most major constitutional scholars, to every woman who has come forward to publicly accuse Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of prior sexual misconduct. Below, we have reprinted the letter Mr. Trump sent to the… Continue reading Trump Demands Accusers Confirm If Kavanaugh’s Genitals Look Like Any Video Game Characters

Trump Wonders If Kavanaugh Accusers ‘Maybe Let’ Themselves Be Assaulted ‘For Totally Political Reasons’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This weekend, another bombshell allegation of sexual misconduct from Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh’s past — this time from his college years — was published and it has sent the Trump administration scrambling once more. Just days after the identity of Christine Blasey Ford — the first woman to step forward and… Continue reading Trump Wonders If Kavanaugh Accusers ‘Maybe Let’ Themselves Be Assaulted ‘For Totally Political Reasons’

Ivanka Trump Refutes Key Details Of Stormy Daniels Tell-All

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Adult film star Stormy Daniels made enormous waves on social and traditional media this week when her new tell-all book, Full Disclosure, was released for early review to the press and very specific, salacious descriptions within the book started coming out. Today, Might as Well Be First Lady Ivanka Trump held a press conference… Continue reading Ivanka Trump Refutes Key Details Of Stormy Daniels Tell-All

Kavanaugh Accuser Christine Blasey Ford Opens Separate Bank Account For All That Sweet Death Threat Cash

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Christine Blasey Ford, the woman who is accusing Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of an attempted sexual assault when the two were in high school together, has filed official paperwork with the Internal Revenue Service alerting them to a new account she opened with a bank in anticipation of a “windfall of cash.”… Continue reading Kavanaugh Accuser Christine Blasey Ford Opens Separate Bank Account For All That Sweet Death Threat Cash

Mueller Pledges To Catch More Witches And Fewer Trump Associates From Now On

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Special Counsel Robert Mueller has issued a statement promising President Donald Trump that his investigation will make a concerted effort to catch more witches and fewer people associated with the president and his 2016 campaign. “Mr. President, I’m sorry that I got so distracted by all the crimes I kept uncovering within… Continue reading Mueller Pledges To Catch More Witches And Fewer Trump Associates From Now On

Trump Promises Response To Florence Will Be The ‘Hurricane Katrina of Hurricane Marias’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump bragged that his administration would “once again be the most talked about and remembered in history,” this time due to its response to Hurricane Florence, which could batter the eastern part of the United States. “A lot of people thought Hurricane Katrina was the one, but of course we beat… Continue reading Trump Promises Response To Florence Will Be The ‘Hurricane Katrina of Hurricane Marias’

GOP Rep: “We Need Two Separate FBIs For Democrats and Republicans”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A freshman Republican congressman has floated a rather novel idea in an attempt to “spark bipartisan dialogue and ultimately reach a compromise” on an emerging issue that seems to be roiling the nation’s capital. “What the Mueller probe has shown us without any doubt is that there was a Deep State, Democrat… Continue reading GOP Rep: “We Need Two Separate FBIs For Democrats and Republicans”