Month: December 2018

Santa Asks 58 Year Old If She Still Believes Trump is a Real President

THE NORTH POLE, EARTH — On Christmas night, President Trump raised eyebrows all over the political spectrum when he asked a child he was speaking to on the phone if they still believed in Santa Claus, and called it “marginal” at her age to still believe. The girl is seven years old. “Are you still… Continue reading Santa Asks 58 Year Old If She Still Believes Trump is a Real President

Trump Demands Medal of Honor for Visiting Troops in Iraq on Christmas

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump issued a formal presidential decree demanding that the United States Congress meet immediately for the purpose of conferring upon him the Congressional Medal of Honor. Trump’s decree indicates that he believes that he earned the highest honor Congress can bestow for his “valiant and courageous visit to the troops… Continue reading Trump Demands Medal of Honor for Visiting Troops in Iraq on Christmas

POLL: 60% of Americans Hoping Government Shutdown Lasts Until 2020

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Because Senate Republicans didn’t have the votes necessary to break a potential Democratic filibuster, President Trump was denied funding for his border wall, and at midnight last night, the federal government entered a partial shutdown state. The Trump White House is attempting to lay the groundwork for the public blaming Democrats for… Continue reading POLL: 60% of Americans Hoping Government Shutdown Lasts Until 2020

Trump Nominates Putin to Replace James Mattis

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The threat of an impending shutdown of the U.S. government looming hasn’t stopped the Trump administration from seeking out candidates to replace outgoing Secretary of Defense James Mattis who will leave the administration in February. Mattis resigned this week in rather conspicuous fashion, telling the president in his resignation letter that he… Continue reading Trump Nominates Putin to Replace James Mattis

Mexico Agrees to Pay For Stephen Miller’s Hair Plugs

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador dropped what could be a bombshell announcement on the world today, partially reversing a policy that has been in place in his country since Vladimir Putin appointed Donald Trump President of the United States of America. “Mexico has long told El Naranjo Loco that we will… Continue reading Mexico Agrees to Pay For Stephen Miller’s Hair Plugs

Everybody Totally Believed That Was Stephen Miller’s Real Hair

The alarm went off at its usual time — 3:30am in the morning. The president was probably already 30 minutes into his morning tweet-rage routine. It was “time to make the xenophobic, white supremacist donuts,” as his boss was fond of saying most mornings.  First, though, it was time for White House Senior Policy Adviser… Continue reading Everybody Totally Believed That Was Stephen Miller’s Real Hair

Santa Claus Requests Permission from Trump to Bring Gifts to Jailed Migrant Children

NORTH POLE, EARTH — The San-T-Claus Corporation, a corporate entity responsible for the funding and infrastructure used by Kristopher Kringle — also known as Santa Claus — to deliver toys and goodies on his sleigh every Christmas, requested formal permission from the Trump administration to visit migrant children in detention centers this Christmas Eve. “We… Continue reading Santa Claus Requests Permission from Trump to Bring Gifts to Jailed Migrant Children

Trump Hotels Will Start Offering Fine Smocked Salmon and Other Meats Starting in 2019

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Donald Trump Jr. announced today that all Trump hotels will begin to offer a selection of “the bestest smocked meats available to mankind” next year. “Okay, so like, Eric and I were talking about the business — you know, completely and totally separately from my dad, who, as President of… Continue reading Trump Hotels Will Start Offering Fine Smocked Salmon and Other Meats Starting in 2019

Remington Introduces New Smocking Gun Marketed to Painters and Traitors

MADISON, NORTH CAROLINA — One of the world’s leading firearms manufacturers announced during an investor call this morning that they will be releasing a new gun marketed for artists and people who sell their country’s democracy out for personal enrichment. “Remington is super-duper stoked to announce the new Smocking gun,” Susie Macintosh, Remington’s Chief Sub-Deputy… Continue reading Remington Introduces New Smocking Gun Marketed to Painters and Traitors