God Denies Any Collusion With Trump Campaign

HEAVEN — God has issued a statement distancing herself from the Donald Trump presidential administration. “Um. No. I didn’t pick that douche. But LOL to anyone who thinks I would,” God’s letter states very plainly. “I don’t pick presidents as a matter of principle and standard operating procedure. But I can assure you that a… Continue reading God Denies Any Collusion With Trump Campaign

MAGA Supporter Unable to Read Trump Tweet on Bible Literacy in Schools

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — For years, Jethro Bohiggins has politely screamed in people’s faces when they demand gun law reforms that the country doesn’t need new, or stronger, gun laws. Instead, Bohiggins has insisted, America simply needed more God in its schools to combat the rising tide of school shooting incidents. “I kept telling… Continue reading MAGA Supporter Unable to Read Trump Tweet on Bible Literacy in Schools

White House Requests Celebratory McNugget Dipping Sauce Lists from Rams and Patriots

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration sent a letter addressed to both the Los Angeles Rams and the New England Cheatriots, ahead of Super Bowl LII, from Mercedez-Benz Stadium in Atlanta. “Because it is literally impossible for us to know when the government will reopen (it’s not like we could just sign any of the… Continue reading White House Requests Celebratory McNugget Dipping Sauce Lists from Rams and Patriots

Trump: Telling Sarah Huckabee Sanders Not to Give Briefings ‘Only Way to Keep Her From Lying’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, President Donald Trump drew criticism when he announced via Twitter that he had given his Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, permission to stop doing press briefings from the White House. Trump cited the press treating Ms. Huckabee Sanders “rudely & inaccurately” in a tweet. The reason Sarah Sanders does not… Continue reading Trump: Telling Sarah Huckabee Sanders Not to Give Briefings ‘Only Way to Keep Her From Lying’

David Duke, American Nazi Party, KKK Condemn Media for Implying Racists Wear MAGA Hats

DÉSOSSAGE VOTRE COUSIN, MISSISSIPPI — This morning, in a rare and unforeseen turn of events, a joint statement was written and released by white supremacist David Duke, the American Nazi Party, and the Ku Klux Klan. The statement categorically condemns the media for its “rush to judgment” over a viral video that showed a confrontation… Continue reading David Duke, American Nazi Party, KKK Condemn Media for Implying Racists Wear MAGA Hats

Adult Hitler: “I’d Totally Go Forward in Time and Kill Baby Ben Shapiro”

HELL — Adolf Hitler was asked by a reporter this morning about statements made by right-wing media personality Ben Shapiro at an anti-abortion rights rally in Washington, D.C. yesterday. During his speech before other anti-choice activists, Shapiro turned heads and cocked eyebrows when he seemed to defend a hypothetical Baby Hitler from time-traveling murderers. As… Continue reading Adult Hitler: “I’d Totally Go Forward in Time and Kill Baby Ben Shapiro”

Men’s Rights Activist Vows to Never Shave Cousin’s Genitals with Gillette Razor Again

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster Jethro Bohiggins is angry about a new ad from Gillette, and he’s not only going to boycott their razors, he says he will only use a competitor’s razors for one of his favorite pastimes. “You know what, Gillette? I used to use your razors when Carol and me would do… Continue reading Men’s Rights Activist Vows to Never Shave Cousin’s Genitals with Gillette Razor Again

Mexico Offers to Pay Furloughed U.S. Workers’ Salaries

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO – -The President of Mexico has officially offered to step in and pay the salaries of furloughed employees of the U.S. government. “It’s becoming increasingly apparent that the President of the United State’s tantrum will continue indefinitely, which we understand puts hundreds of thousands of our neighbors in financial peril,” President Andrés Manuel… Continue reading Mexico Offers to Pay Furloughed U.S. Workers’ Salaries

McDonald’s Debuted Their New ‘Big Muck’ Hamberders at Clemson White House Dinner

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the federal government entering its fourth week of historic shutdown status, President Donald Trump could have canceled or postponed hosting the Clemson Tigers college football team, as had been originally planned last night. However, Trump decided to use the moment to try and score some more political points, and he hosted… Continue reading McDonald’s Debuted Their New ‘Big Muck’ Hamberders at Clemson White House Dinner

Trump Asks Legal Team if Sitting Presidents Can Be Indicted or Impeached During Shutdown

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has directed his sizable legal team to research and determine if a sitting president can be either indicted or impeached during a shutdown of the federal government. “The president is simply wondering if he’s actually president of anything during a government shutdown,” White House Deputy Jr. Media Secretary Tom… Continue reading Trump Asks Legal Team if Sitting Presidents Can Be Indicted or Impeached During Shutdown