Jim Jordan Shreds Cohen Testimony: ‘Total Waste of Taxpayer Dollars’ That ‘Didn’t Get into Benghazi Even Once’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Gym Jordan told a right-wing talk radio station today that the hearing held before the House Oversight and Reform Committee yesterday was a “total waste of taxpayer dollars.” Jordan said because no one asked Michael Cohen, President Donald Trump’s former personal attorney and fixer, any questions about the 2012 terror attack… Continue reading Jim Jordan Shreds Cohen Testimony: ‘Total Waste of Taxpayer Dollars’ That ‘Didn’t Get into Benghazi Even Once’

Courier Hands Cohen Check Signed by President Trump Just Before Entering Capitol Building

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The collective political world is at a stand still, awaiting with great anticipation the public congressional testimony from Michael Cohen, President Donald Trump’s longtime former personal attorney. Mr. Cohen is expected to testify to moments of Trump’s racism, as well as to details that implicate Trump in crimes committed both before and… Continue reading Courier Hands Cohen Check Signed by President Trump Just Before Entering Capitol Building

Bablyon Bee Drops All Pretense and Converts to Conservative Christian Mega-Church

LAKE PROPAGANDA, MICHIGAN —  The online satirical publication known as The Babylon Bee has decided to stop publishing fake news stories aimed at a decidedly conservative audience, and instead has registered as a church instead. Kyle Mann, the outlet’s editor in chief, will become the church’s new Head Bishop. The change is said to be mostly… Continue reading Bablyon Bee Drops All Pretense and Converts to Conservative Christian Mega-Church

Putin Unsure He’ll Invite Trump to D.C. 4th of July Celebration

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Over the weekend, President Donald Trump announced that — for the very first time in the 243 years since its founding, the United States would celebrate the 4th of July in a big way. Most readers, of course, understand that for the other 242 years of its existence, most Americans have spent… Continue reading Putin Unsure He’ll Invite Trump to D.C. 4th of July Celebration

Kellyanne Conway: National Emergency at Border ‘Much Bigger and Worser Crisis’ Than Bowling Green Massacre

WASHINGTON, D.C. — One of President Trump’s most vocal and loyal aides, Kellyanne Conway, was stopped on her way into the White House this morning and asked about several topics. Speaking to reporters for about ten minutes, Conway talked about the Mueller investigation, the Jussie Smollett case, and addressed the ongoing national emergency at the… Continue reading Kellyanne Conway: National Emergency at Border ‘Much Bigger and Worser Crisis’ Than Bowling Green Massacre

Mexico Agrees to Pay for National Emergency as Long as Trump Can Prove it Exists

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — The Federal Government of Mexico has sent an official communique to both houses of Congress, offering to shoulder the financial burden of “any national emergency that Trump can prove is real.” “To the people of the United States of America and its duly elected Congress (not their highly-suspiciously elected so-called “president”),”… Continue reading Mexico Agrees to Pay for National Emergency as Long as Trump Can Prove it Exists

Trump Takes Out Full Page Ad in NYT Demanding Death Penalty for 11-Year-Old Arrested for Not Pledging Allegiance

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last week at Lawton Chiles Middle Academy in Lakeland, Florida, a sixth grader was arrested at school when they refused to say the pledge of allegiance and, according to school officials, became too disruptive. The issue arose when a substitute teacher, unaware that school policy does not force students to say the pledge,… Continue reading Trump Takes Out Full Page Ad in NYT Demanding Death Penalty for 11-Year-Old Arrested for Not Pledging Allegiance

Trump Calls Putin and Wishes Him a Happy ‘Actual’ President’s Day

WASHINGTON, D.C. — All over the country, the nation’s schools are closed in recognition and celebration of President’s Day, and while the federal government is also closed for the day, President Donald Trump made sure his executive time included space on his agenda to make a “bigly important” phone call, as he’d tell aides later.… Continue reading Trump Calls Putin and Wishes Him a Happy ‘Actual’ President’s Day

Trump Warns Dems He ‘Won’t Wait Two Full Years to Address the Next Made-Up National Emergency’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump signed a resolution to stave off another government shutdown over the money he demanded for his campaign promised border wall, and simultaneously announced he was declaring a national emergency in order to secure funding Congress wouldn’t give him otherwise. While many on both sides of the aisle… Continue reading Trump Warns Dems He ‘Won’t Wait Two Full Years to Address the Next Made-Up National Emergency’

Former Cellmate to Auction George Zimmerman’s Prison Dildo

DYLAN, FLORIDA — Though he’s a free man now, for several months George Zimmerman was in jail while he stood trial for killing Trayvon Martin. One of the men who spent time in the same cell as Zimmerman will auction what he calls a “prison dildo” the two shared. “I was inspired by seeing George put… Continue reading Former Cellmate to Auction George Zimmerman’s Prison Dildo