Trump Congratulates White Janitor Who Cleaned Up After NFL Draft

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This weekend, President Trump congratulated Nick Bosa, a college football player who was drafted by the San Francisco 49er football club of the National Football League. Some found the congratulations a bit odd, given that Bosa was drafted second, and not first, but it is known that Bosa is quite an outspoken… Continue reading Trump Congratulates White Janitor Who Cleaned Up After NFL Draft

Confessions of a Liberal Baby Killer

Over the weekend, President Donald Trump held a klan campaign rally in Wisconsin. While Trump delivered his tirade speech, the White House Correspondents Association was hosting its annual dinner banquet, which for the third year running did not include Trump as an attendee. However, Trump made sure to make his own headlines anyway, and during… Continue reading Confessions of a Liberal Baby Killer

Trump Asked Jack Dorsey Why His ‘Close, Personal Friend’ @JonnyAmerican4Trump12345 Lost His Twitter Account

WASINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump hosted the CEO of Twitter in the Oval Office yesterday, and reportedly spent a great deal of the meeting asking about his follower count. During the meeting, Mr. Trump also apparently asked about one Twitter user in particular, a follower of his who Trump referred to as his “close,… Continue reading Trump Asked Jack Dorsey Why His ‘Close, Personal Friend’ @JonnyAmerican4Trump12345 Lost His Twitter Account

Doctors Rushing to Perform Spinal Implants on Congressional Democrats Still on the Fence About Impeaching Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional sources are confirming at the time of publication that a large staff of spinal surgeons has been summoned to the rotunda with a mission to implant spines into as many elected Democrats’ bodies as are needed to sufficiently bolster support for impeaching President Donald Trump. According to reports, capital medical personnell… Continue reading Doctors Rushing to Perform Spinal Implants on Congressional Democrats Still on the Fence About Impeaching Trump

Huckabee Sanders Defends Herself: “I Don’t Lie. I Tell Alternative Truths and Untrue Facts”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders is once again trying to repair her heavily damaged reputation in the wake of the redacted release of the Mueller Report. Detailed in the report is the testimony that Huckabee Sanders gave FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller regarding statemtents she made from the podium in the White… Continue reading Huckabee Sanders Defends Herself: “I Don’t Lie. I Tell Alternative Truths and Untrue Facts”

Anonymous Staffer Offers to Blow Trump So Republicans Will Support Impeaching Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An anonymous person within the Trump administration has offered to give President Donald Trump a “beejer in the Oval Office,” provided that’s what it will take for Congressional Republicans to support impeaching President Donald Trump. “Well, the Mueller Report painted a very clear picture of a manifestly corrupt and self-serving president who… Continue reading Anonymous Staffer Offers to Blow Trump So Republicans Will Support Impeaching Him

Trump Says He Cannot Be Impeached for ‘Attempted Crimes’ Like ‘Conspiracy, Obstruction, or Murder’

MAR-A-LAGO — As Air Force Individual-1 readied to take off from Florida for the nation’s capital, President Donald Trump told reporters that if Democrats attempt to start impeachment proceedings now that the Mueller Report has been released with redactions, they are overstepping their constitutional bounds. “You cannot impeach a president for attempted crimes,” Trump told… Continue reading Trump Says He Cannot Be Impeached for ‘Attempted Crimes’ Like ‘Conspiracy, Obstruction, or Murder’

Mueller Report Documents Huckabee Sanders’ Daily Diet: A Trough Full of Bullshit

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Americans continue to read and digest the contents of the redacted Mueller Report, new details are emerging seemingly by the hour. One detail that emerged is that Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders admitted to Mueller’s investigators that she lied from the podium, making up on the spot that she’d heard from… Continue reading Mueller Report Documents Huckabee Sanders’ Daily Diet: A Trough Full of Bullshit

Barr: “It Was Impossible for Me to Judge if Trump Obstructed Justice With His Dick Obstructing My Wind Pipe”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s been quite a day for Attorney General William Barr. To start his day, Barr held a rather unprecedented press conference, introducing a redacted version of FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s long-awaited reported into the Russian attempts to subvert the 2016 presidential election. Though at the time no one had any copies… Continue reading Barr: “It Was Impossible for Me to Judge if Trump Obstructed Justice With His Dick Obstructing My Wind Pipe”

Trump Outraged Barr Forgot to Redact His Family’s Secret Snake Oil Recipe from Mueller Report

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is reportedly in a state of anger and disbelief, outraged that his attorney general released a redacted version of the Mueller Report to the public without having removed the recipe to his family’s trademark snake oil. “Damn it Bill,” sources say Trump could be heard screaming at Attorney General… Continue reading Trump Outraged Barr Forgot to Redact His Family’s Secret Snake Oil Recipe from Mueller Report