Economists Predict Medicare For All Could Be Funded For 400 Years By Charging $1 To Punch Mitch McConnell In the Face

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A nonpartisan coalition of economists has published the findings of an intensive report they conducted, and have concluded that the United States could “pretty easily” fund a universal healthcare program for 400 years just by charging people a dollar to punch Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell in the face. “There is no… Continue reading Economists Predict Medicare For All Could Be Funded For 400 Years By Charging $1 To Punch Mitch McConnell In the Face

Alabama Decriminalizes Rape To Keep More Families Together

PALPATINE FOREST, ALABAMA — In a truly unforeseen turn of events down in the Yellowhammer State, the Alabama government has decriminalized rape. “In point of fact, all this amendment does is strengthen our abortion ban. Now, we can keep a lot more families together,” State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen told reporters at a press conference announcing… Continue reading Alabama Decriminalizes Rape To Keep More Families Together

Nancy Pelosi Doesn’t Want Firefighters to Put Her House Out Until It’s Politically Expedient

IVORY TOWER, CALIFORNIA — A home owned by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is currently engulfed in flames, and it’s unclear at this time when firefighters will be putting it out.  The issue is not whether firefighters can reach the blaze on time; they’re already there. So is Speaker Pelosi. The issue is that… Continue reading Nancy Pelosi Doesn’t Want Firefighters to Put Her House Out Until It’s Politically Expedient

Texas Democrat Authors Bill That Would Sentence Masturbating Men to Death

AUSTIN, TEXAS — Republican lawmakers in the State of Texas are trying to get a bill passed and onto the governor’s desk that would criminalize all abortion procedures without any exceptions. Because capital punishment is legal in Texas, it is entirely possible that one outcome of this legislation would be for a woman to be… Continue reading Texas Democrat Authors Bill That Would Sentence Masturbating Men to Death

Alabama Democrat Wants Mandatory Vasectomies Until Marriage

RÉCIPROQUE BAY, ALABAMA — A Democrat in the State of Alabama has drafted new legislation she hopes will be a “counterbalancing measure” to the nation’s most restrictive abortion law since the 1973 landmark Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision.  Earlier this week, Alabama’s governor signed a law that prohibits abortion at every stage of pregnancy and does… Continue reading Alabama Democrat Wants Mandatory Vasectomies Until Marriage

Bob Mueller Sends Super Secret Coded Message to Congress

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller delivered his first, highly-anticipated remarks on his two year investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election from the Department of Justice, truly eagle-eyed viewers might have spotted something rather unique — a coded message from Mueller to Congress. “I was trying to be a sneaky… Continue reading Bob Mueller Sends Super Secret Coded Message to Congress

Projections Show U.S. Could Fund Medicare For All For 400 Years Charging $1 To Punch Mitch McConnell In the Face

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A nonpartisan coalition of economists has published the findings of an intensive report they conducted, and have concluded that the United States could “pretty easily” fund a universal healthcare program for 400 years just by charging people a dollar to punch Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell in the face. “There is no… Continue reading Projections Show U.S. Could Fund Medicare For All For 400 Years Charging $1 To Punch Mitch McConnell In the Face

With Mueller Statement, Pelosi Worried Trump Loyalists Won’t Vote For Dems ‘Even Harder’ After Impeachment

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As he announced and tendered his resignation from the Department of Justice this morning, FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller gave his first — and what he hopes will be only — remarks on his investigation into Russian interference and possible collusion with the Trump campaign during the 2016 presidential election. Mueller, effectively… Continue reading With Mueller Statement, Pelosi Worried Trump Loyalists Won’t Vote For Dems ‘Even Harder’ After Impeachment

Trump Bans Staff from Using Any “I-Words”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last week, a visibly agitated President Trump held a press conference in the Rose Garden after a meeting with Democrats Rep. Nancy Pelosi and Senator Chuck Schumer blew up. Trump was reportedly angry that Speaker of the House Pelosi had said earlier that day that Trump was complicit in a “cover-up.” In… Continue reading Trump Bans Staff from Using Any “I-Words”

Georgia Newborn Charged With Murder for Absorbing Her Twin Before Birth

RIO CHINGADEROS LOCOS, GEORGIA — Authorities in a small Georgia town are reporting that they have a single newborn baby in custody, awaiting arraignment on murder charges. Because the suspect is a minor, their name is being withheld, but we do know the alleged killer was born female. “This morning we took a young newborn… Continue reading Georgia Newborn Charged With Murder for Absorbing Her Twin Before Birth