Donald Trump Jr. Asks His Dad Who He Has to Blow to ‘Get a Killer Office Like Ivanka’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Are tensions mounting between America’s Royal Family? Leaks out of the White House indicate that a cat fight might be kicking up between Duchess Ivanka Trump and The Duke of Jizz Face, Donald Trump Jr. At the heart of their conflict is the resentment Junior Trump feels toward his sister over her… Continue reading Donald Trump Jr. Asks His Dad Who He Has to Blow to ‘Get a Killer Office Like Ivanka’

McDonald’s Unveils New “McF#ckIt” Burger For Customers Who Just Don’t Care Anymore

OAK BROOK, ILLINOIS — Fast food monolith McDonald’s told investors today that a brand new burger will be added to most menus worldwide starting in the third quarter of 2018. The “McFuckIt” burger will be the largest burger in the company’s history, and will cost $40. “Made from the guts of a Big Mac, Quarter… Continue reading McDonald’s Unveils New “McF#ckIt” Burger For Customers Who Just Don’t Care Anymore

Norwegian Woman Would Never Live In S###hole Countries Without Universal Healthcare

Last year, President Donald Trump made it fairly clear that he would prefer that the United States cut off the flow of immigrants from countries he deems to be a “shithole.” “Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?” Trump said, according to these people, referring to countries mentioned by the… Continue reading Norwegian Woman Would Never Live In S###hole Countries Without Universal Healthcare

5 Year Old Guatemalan Girl Pretty Adorable In Her Wee Cage Inside Her Sweet Little Concentration Camp

RIO DE VERGONZOSO, TEXAS — She’s frightened, terrified, even. She’s lonely most of the time, and she’s convinced at this point she may never see her parents again. But even five year old Consuela Mayor has to admit that she looks pretty frigging adorable in the cage President Donald Trump wants her to live in,… Continue reading 5 Year Old Guatemalan Girl Pretty Adorable In Her Wee Cage Inside Her Sweet Little Concentration Camp

Marianne Williamson: “Make No Mistake, I’ll Ram These Aura Crystals Right Up Donald Trump’s Puckered A**hole!”

CHAKRA FALLS, IDAHO — Before her appearance on the debate stage last night, it’s likely that most Americans had absolutely no idea that author Marianne Williamson was running for president. They might not have known she was a Democrat, and voters probably didn’t even know who Ms. Williamson is. She’s not, exactly, a household name.… Continue reading Marianne Williamson: “Make No Mistake, I’ll Ram These Aura Crystals Right Up Donald Trump’s Puckered A**hole!”

Local MAGA Supporter Suspicious Why Obama Never Declared His Rape Type

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Jethro Bohiggins is a devout, proud, unabashed Donald Trump supporter, and has been since Trump announced that he was running for president back in 2015. On his podcast, Jethro often tells listeners he knew right away then-Candidate Trump would “truly MAGA the living crap out of America.” “He just gets… Continue reading Local MAGA Supporter Suspicious Why Obama Never Declared His Rape Type

Biden/Sanders to Form The Decibelcrat Party

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, NBC News hosted the second consecutive night of the first round of debates in the 2020 Democratic presidential primary season. But while many this morning are talking about who “won” or who “lost” the debate, the biggest, loudest buzz is being generated by a rather unexpected development. This morning, former… Continue reading Biden/Sanders to Form The Decibelcrat Party

ISIS Offers Out of Work NRA-TV Host Dana Loesch a Spokes-Terrorist Position

SOMEWHERE IN SYRIA — The White House maintains that ISIS has been thoroughly defeated, despite what the international intelligence community assesses. To that end, the Islamic Caliphate made a personnel offer that they say “greatly illustrates” the fact they have not, in fact, been defeated. They offered former NRA-TV host Dana Loesch the position of… Continue reading ISIS Offers Out of Work NRA-TV Host Dana Loesch a Spokes-Terrorist Position

DNC Informs Registered Dems Who They Should Think Won First Debates

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic Party is holding its first two primary debates of the 2020 presidential election season. In previous years, there wouldn’t have been likely been a need to split the debates up over more than one night, but with over 456 declared candidates, sources say the DNC was given very little choice… Continue reading DNC Informs Registered Dems Who They Should Think Won First Debates