Alabama Pro-Lifers Grant Personhood to Precum

LAKE DORMIR AVEC LEURS COUSINS, ALABAMA — Pro-life Republicans in the State of Alabama have been steadily attacking the rights of women in their state to seek an abortion for quite some time, and have been particularly agressive in the Trumpian era of American politics. This year, Republicans in the Yellowhammer State passed the country’s… Continue reading Alabama Pro-Lifers Grant Personhood to Precum

Women for Trump Teams With Chickens for McNuggets on Campaign Fundraiser

The White House will play host to a special dinner gala celebration of the couple of things President Donald Trump has done that he considers to be accomplishments, and all the details are being arranged by two groups who have become unlikely partners. In the coming weeks, Women for Trump and Chickens for McNuggets will… Continue reading Women for Trump Teams With Chickens for McNuggets on Campaign Fundraiser

Pentagon Tells Trump U.S. Armed Forces ‘Can’t Afford’ Two-Front War on Christmas and Thanksgiving

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though today is Thanksgiving, it’s not a day off for everyone, especially the U.S. Armed Forces. Which is why in the early hours of this morning, the Pentagon prepared a brief for President Donald J. Trump, informing him that the country “can’t afford” to fight a two-front war, and as commander in… Continue reading Pentagon Tells Trump U.S. Armed Forces ‘Can’t Afford’ Two-Front War on Christmas and Thanksgiving

Trump: Giuliani Went to Ukraine on Orders from President John Barron, Not Him

WASHINGTON, D.C — For many months now, Rudy Giuliani, President Trump’s personal lawyer, has been one of his loudest and most outspoken defenders. In countless interviews, the former mayor of New York City and federal prosecutor has vehemently tried to protect Trump from allegations that he abused his power aggressively and unapologetically when he tried… Continue reading Trump: Giuliani Went to Ukraine on Orders from President John Barron, Not Him

Tucker Carlson Opens Up About Rooting for ‘Those Guys With the Smart Uniforms’ In the Indiana Jones Films

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Last night on his Fox News show, host Tucker Carlson told viewers that whenever he watches Raiders of the Lost Ark or Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, he finds himself “enraptured by the story” and always roots for “those guys with the smart uniforms” to win. Carlson said it’s always “depressing as all… Continue reading Tucker Carlson Opens Up About Rooting for ‘Those Guys With the Smart Uniforms’ In the Indiana Jones Films

God Says Trump is the ‘Chosen One to Warn Others Not to Become Slovenly, Racist Morons’

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This past August, in what would be bizarre moment in literally any other period in American history, a sitting president called himself “The Chosen One.” Speaking to reporters about a variety of topics and stories in the news, President Donald Trump told reporters, “I am the chosen one,” in referring… Continue reading God Says Trump is the ‘Chosen One to Warn Others Not to Become Slovenly, Racist Morons’

Report: Nikki Haley Lives in Opposite Land Where Trump Tells the Truth and She’s Smart

MENTEUR SAC DE MERDER, SOUTH CAROLINA — Sources close to situation have informed various news outlets throughout the country that a former Governor of South Carolina may have never actually lived in the state she was supposed to be representing. Former Gov. Nikki Haley left the South Carolinian governor’s office in 2017 to become President… Continue reading Report: Nikki Haley Lives in Opposite Land Where Trump Tells the Truth and She’s Smart

Giant Dumbfuck Just Can’t Stop Live-Tweeting His Own Impeachment Like The Dumbfuck He Is

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A former D-list reality TV host, a man who somehow convinced 63 million Americans he’d be able to do as President of the United States something he could never do in his business life — succeed in any significant way — is facing the very real possibility that in the extreme short… Continue reading Giant Dumbfuck Just Can’t Stop Live-Tweeting His Own Impeachment Like The Dumbfuck He Is

Giant Dummy Just Can’t Stop Live-Tweeting His Own Impeachment Like The Dummy He Is

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A former D-list reality TV host, a man who somehow convinced 63 million Americans he’d be able to do as President of the United States something he could never do in his business life — succeed in any significant way — is facing the very real possibility that in the extreme short… Continue reading Giant Dummy Just Can’t Stop Live-Tweeting His Own Impeachment Like The Dummy He Is

Gargantuan Dumbfuck Just Can’t Stop Live-Tweeting His Own Impeachment Like The Dumbfuck He Is

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A former D-list reality TV host, a man who somehow convinced 63 million Americans he’d be able to do as President of the United States something he could never do in his business life — succeed in any significant way — is facing the very real possibility that in the extreme short… Continue reading Gargantuan Dumbfuck Just Can’t Stop Live-Tweeting His Own Impeachment Like The Dumbfuck He Is