Enormous Rug and 51 Brooms Delivered to Senate Chamber

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to the situation are reporting that an enormous rug and 51 brooms have been delivered to the Senate chamber in the nation’s capital this afternoon. It’s unclear at this time exactly what the rug and brooms will be used for, but a note, apparently written with extremely poor grammar, all… Continue reading Enormous Rug and 51 Brooms Delivered to Senate Chamber

Trump Being Fitted for New Crown After Senate Votes Against Impeachment Witnesses

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A D.C. area Burger King has been put on “high alert” to expect a very special guest for either lunch or dinner in the coming days, depending on when, exactly the Senate votes to deny witnesses in the impeachment trial of President Donald John Trump. Reportedly, the fast food burger joint is… Continue reading Trump Being Fitted for New Crown After Senate Votes Against Impeachment Witnesses

Environmental Conservation Group Fears Extinction of the Vertebrate Republican

Biological researchers and conservationists at the World Wildlife Foundation are concerned about the rapid population decline of vertebrate Republicans in the wild, and fear the species is headed toward “spectacular extinction,” according to a new report released this week. Citing data gathered over the last three years, the WWF says they’ve seen a “precipitous drop”… Continue reading Environmental Conservation Group Fears Extinction of the Vertebrate Republican

Sessions Blasts Bolton: “Some Of Us Were Too Busy Sucking Trump Off To Write Down The Illegal Things He Did!”

SISTERFUHKER, ALABAMA — Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions is not a fan of John Bolton’s upcoming memoir of his time in the Trump administration. Excerpts of the book reviewed by The Failing New York Times reveal that Bolton claims he was told directly by President Donald J. Trump to withhold over 300 million dollars in vital military… Continue reading Sessions Blasts Bolton: “Some Of Us Were Too Busy Sucking Trump Off To Write Down The Illegal Things He Did!”

Eric Trump Says It’s ‘Shameful’ That Joe Biden Got His Son Barista Job at Ukrainian Starbucks

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The president’s smartest son with the name “Eric” appeared on Fox News last night and proceeded to trash former Vice President Joe Biden and his son Hunter. His father’s impeachment trial has hit the question and answer phase, and Senate Republicans have wasted no time bringing up the Bidens in… Continue reading Eric Trump Says It’s ‘Shameful’ That Joe Biden Got His Son Barista Job at Ukrainian Starbucks

Princess Ivanka Tells Media ‘Elites’ Their Criticisms Make Daddy Cry On His Golden Toilet

THE HIGH THRONE OF NEPOTISTIC PALACE, UNICORN LAND — Princess Ivanka scolded the American media more directly today after she tweeted her thoughts on a video now going viral in right-wing circles. The video depicts CNN anchor Don Lemon and two guests — one who belongs to the same political party as Princess Ivanka’s Daddy,… Continue reading Princess Ivanka Tells Media ‘Elites’ Their Criticisms Make Daddy Cry On His Golden Toilet

Spoiled Little Rich Bitch Takes Daddy’s Silver Spoon Out of His Mouth to Accuse Others of Nepotism

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — A spoiled little rich bitch, who also happens to be a man suffering from the worst case of Chronic Jizz Face doctors have ever recorded, decided to take the silver spoon he was born with out of his mouth to accuse others of being the beneficiaries of nepotism. During several… Continue reading Spoiled Little Rich Bitch Takes Daddy’s Silver Spoon Out of His Mouth to Accuse Others of Nepotism

Trump Orders Space Force to Investigate Allegations of Biden’s Neptune-ism

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though it’s officially a branch of the U.S. Armed Forces, President Donald Trump’s first assignment for his Space Force is one that might be more traditionally handled by the FBI. No stranger to using unusual channels for investigative work, however, Trump has directed Space Force to “immediately research and get to the… Continue reading Trump Orders Space Force to Investigate Allegations of Biden’s Neptune-ism

Trump Team Wraps Up Case for Impeaching Hunter Biden

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, the White House legal team is expected to wrap up their opening arguments. By the end of it, sources say, they’re confident that they will have proven an air-tight case, but not in defense of President Trump’s actions in relation to his attempt to extort a foreign government into helping him… Continue reading Trump Team Wraps Up Case for Impeaching Hunter Biden

Pam Bondi’s Mouth Leaks $25,000 In Trump’s Cash During Impeachment Defense

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Cash totalling $25,000 fell out of former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi’s mouth as she made her case for impeaching Hunter Biden instead of President Donald Trump during the Senate impeachment trial’s opening arguments. Ms. Bondi is a member of Trump’s legal defense team. However, her presence on his legal defense team… Continue reading Pam Bondi’s Mouth Leaks $25,000 In Trump’s Cash During Impeachment Defense