Trump Supporters Demand Football Hall of Fame Remove Socialist Barry Sanders

The Pro Football Hall of Fame released a statement regarding a “deluge of calls, letters, emails, faxes, and telegrams” it has received regarding former Detroit Lions superstar and inductee Barry Sanders. Following is the statement, unabridged and unedited. For immediate release: In the past 48 hours, we have received a deluge of calls, letters, emails,… Continue reading Trump Supporters Demand Football Hall of Fame Remove Socialist Barry Sanders

Trump: Coronavirus Part of Deep State Plot to Tank the Stock Market and Hurt His Re-Election Chances

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. stock market is having its worst week since the start of the Great Recession. Many investors have been spooked by the threat of a pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, which the CDC also said this week is likely only a matter of time before it occurs stateside. So far,… Continue reading Trump: Coronavirus Part of Deep State Plot to Tank the Stock Market and Hurt His Re-Election Chances

Trump Issues Executive Order for Dow Jones to Work Like Golf Scores

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the markets opened today, the Dow Jones Industrial average opened with another plummet of over 1,000 points. This has seen the largest drop in the markets since the start of the great recession. Fears and uncertainty about a possible widespread pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus have spurred a sharp sell-off,… Continue reading Trump Issues Executive Order for Dow Jones to Work Like Golf Scores

President Acknowledges He Had to Buy His Sons’ Way Into Trump University

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last year, America was rocked by a scandal involving a few dozen highly-connected, wealthy parents essentially bribing college officials into admitting their children. Two of the biggest names involved are actresses Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin, who were both arrested in connection with the FBI sting operation. The president’s third-smartest son, Donald… Continue reading President Acknowledges He Had to Buy His Sons’ Way Into Trump University

Mike Pence Orders CDC to Quadruple Thought and Prayer Capacity to Combat Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As his first official act in the capacity of overseeing the country’s response to a potential coronavirus update, Vice President High Priest Mike Pence has issued an order to the Centers for Disease Control for a dramatic increase in its capacity to stockpile thoughts and prayers. Pence, who was the governor of… Continue reading Mike Pence Orders CDC to Quadruple Thought and Prayer Capacity to Combat Coronavirus

‘This country will never elect a socialist!’ – Woman Who Said No Black Man Would Ever Be President

GLEN SPRINGS, CONNECTICUT — Susan Haroldson is a 64-year-old mother of three and grandmother of seven. She is a lifelong, proud liberal progressive, and according to her she will “go down swinging” for the progressive causes of her day. Susan was also a very proud supporter of Hillary Clinton back in 2016. This time around,… Continue reading ‘This country will never elect a socialist!’ – Woman Who Said No Black Man Would Ever Be President

Mike Pence Listening to Low-Volume Porn on Headphones But Tells Mother It’s ASMR

WASHINGTON, D.C. — He doesn’t like to do it; in fact, he loathes it every time he has to. That doesn’t change the fact that, every so often, Vice President Mike Pence has to lie to Mother about things. At the very least, Pence occasionally finds himself in the unenviable position of hiding information from… Continue reading Mike Pence Listening to Low-Volume Porn on Headphones But Tells Mother It’s ASMR

Five Humans and Two Billionaires Hold Two Hour Shouting Match

SOUTH CAROLINA — Last night, five human beings and two billionaires held a two-hour long shouting match. The seven entities on the stage each took turn not taking turns and yelling over each other. Sometimes the old men would shout over the two women. Sometimes the lone man born after the Vietnam War ended would… Continue reading Five Humans and Two Billionaires Hold Two Hour Shouting Match

Man Kicking Himself for Missing the Perfect Opportunity to Kill Himself

VALLE DE INÚTIL, CALIFORNIA — Looking back on it now, Jake Masterson is pretty sure he missed his “golden opportunity to get it done.” What exactly did he miss his chance to do? Commit suicide. And Jake is “absolutely kicking” himself for missing that particular boat. Study Shows 85% Of Monopoly Money Used To Snort… Continue reading Man Kicking Himself for Missing the Perfect Opportunity to Kill Himself

Trump Administration Tells Americans Coronavirus Would Have Been Stopped By Trump’s Wall

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Donald Trump’s presidential administration told reporters today that while they don’t think American citizens “should panic any time soon” about a potential coronavirus outbreak, that they should still “give consideration” to how much safer they’d be from it if the president had gotten the funding for his border wall he’s requested numerous… Continue reading Trump Administration Tells Americans Coronavirus Would Have Been Stopped By Trump’s Wall