Local Couple: Sex Was Really Good Until Husband Got Involved

DISAPPOINTMENT GULCH, ARIZONA — In an interview with Couples Weekly, Tabitha and Mick Garrison — married since August 2002 — said that their recent sexual activity with one another was going, according to Tabatha, “really, really well,” but then took a disastrous turn when “Mick got involved.” “Everything was going pretty smoothly, really, until Mick… Continue reading Local Couple: Sex Was Really Good Until Husband Got Involved

Jesus Christ: “Dude, What The Fuck’s Up With The MyPillow Guy?”

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This week, Jesus Hubert Christ was overheard talking to his coworkers and colleagues in the heavenly break room while they all watched a coronavirus task force press conference from the White House lawn. When Mike Lindell, CEO of MyPillow, was introduced by President Trump, not many in the room took… Continue reading Jesus Christ: “Dude, What The Fuck’s Up With The MyPillow Guy?”

Trump Blames Democrats for Impeaching Him Instead of Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump and his most vocal supporters in the media have started to launch a new line of defense of his administration’s efforts to combat the coronavirus — blame the Democrats. Perhaps, this is not all that new a tactic, given that Trump is no stranger to slinging partisan mud, especially… Continue reading Trump Blames Democrats for Impeaching Him Instead of Coronavirus

White House to Begin Reporting Coronavirus and Democrat Hoax Deaths Separately

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration has made the determination that it needs to release two separate counts of coronavirus-related fatalities in its daily press briefings. One count will be of Americans who perished from complications arising from a COVID-19 infection, and the other will be of Americans who died from a Democrat hoax. Stumbling… Continue reading White House to Begin Reporting Coronavirus and Democrat Hoax Deaths Separately

Coronavirus Update: Trump Officially Moves Easter to June 5th

WASHINGTON, D.C — This weekend, President Donald J. Trump extended the federal stay-at-home guidelines for combating the pandemic spread of the novel coronavirus until April 30th. In doing so, Trump looked like he might be backtracking on his promise to “open the country back up” by Easter Sunday. However, pushing the request for Americans to… Continue reading Coronavirus Update: Trump Officially Moves Easter to June 5th

Treasury Department Announces Senior Jobs Program for Economic Recovery From Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Treasury Department has started a new pilot jobs program geared toward seniors, and they’re hoping it inspires “grandmas and grandpas to do the right thing” and “lay down their lives to keep the president’s economy buzzing.” At a press conference, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin gave reporters the basic details of… Continue reading Treasury Department Announces Senior Jobs Program for Economic Recovery From Coronavirus

Republican: Free College Plans Set America on a ‘Dangerous Path’ to Intelligent People

THIRD PINE, OHIO — Senators Bernie Sanders and Liz Warren both have made the idea of some free college for U.S. citizens major components of their respective pitches for the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination. It’s a radical and reformative idea no matter which side of the aisle one finds themselves on. For the left, it’s… Continue reading Republican: Free College Plans Set America on a ‘Dangerous Path’ to Intelligent People

Gwyneth Paltrow and David Avocado Wolfe Appointed to Coronavirus Response Team

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though his administration is telling Americans that the coronavirus has been “contained” in the United States, President Donald Trump is still hiring trained professional medical experts for the coronavirus response team led by Vice President High Priest Mike Pence. This morning, on his morning walk to Yum Yum Doughnuts, Trump announced the… Continue reading Gwyneth Paltrow and David Avocado Wolfe Appointed to Coronavirus Response Team

CDC Suggests Chronic Masturbators Replace Regular Lube With Hand Sanitizer

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Doctors with the Centers for Disease Control issued new guidance this morning, urging those who chronically masturbate to “immediately consider” replacing their normal “jack lube” with “an antimicrobial or hand sanitizer” until the COVID-19 outbreak has been contained in the United States. Citing a need for “everyone to do their own parts,… Continue reading CDC Suggests Chronic Masturbators Replace Regular Lube With Hand Sanitizer

Trump: “Okay You Poor Little Shits, You Get Your Check. Now Go Die for Capitalism.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Microphones caught President Donald J. Trump in a hot mic situation this week, after he’d just concluded the Oval Office signing of the largest stimulus package in U.S. history. Having just signed the $2 trillion coronavirus stimulus, the president thanked everyone in attendance, and the gathering started to break up. As reporters… Continue reading Trump: “Okay You Poor Little Shits, You Get Your Check. Now Go Die for Capitalism.”