Bill Gates Offers to Buy and Delete Elon Musk

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON — Billionaire tech titan Bill Gates is reportedly close to making one of the biggest offers of his life to another another billionaire in his same industry, Elon Musk. According to several sources close to Mr. Gates, he is just about to pull the trigger on offer to buy all legal rights to… Continue reading Bill Gates Offers to Buy and Delete Elon Musk

CDC Studying Effect of Presidential Rage Tweets About Confessed Criminal Traitors on COVID-19

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Newly unsealed legal documents in the case against disgraced former Army General and presidential adviser Michael Flynn have folks in Trump World convinced he is the victim of a deep state plot. Others are questioning just how much a gripe Gen. Flynn has when he committed several illegal acts including lying to… Continue reading CDC Studying Effect of Presidential Rage Tweets About Confessed Criminal Traitors on COVID-19

Trump Campaign Sells Out $500 Candles That Smell Like President’s Butthole

WASHINGTON, D.C.  — The Trump 2020 Re-Election campaign announced this weekend that they have completely sold out of a special candle that was offered on the campaign website to donors who gave $500 or more.  The candle, made of red wax, stamped with “Keep America Great 2020,” and produced in China under a copyright awarded… Continue reading Trump Campaign Sells Out $500 Candles That Smell Like President’s Butthole

Roger Stone Wants Conjugal Visits With Trump’s Ass

WASHINGTON, D.C — Last month, Federal District Judge Amy Berman Jackson sentenced Roger Stone, a longtime political associate of President Donald Trump, to just over 3 years in prison after he was convicted of multiple felonies related to the Mueller probe. Stone, who became a figure in American politics after volunteering to do dirty work… Continue reading Roger Stone Wants Conjugal Visits With Trump’s Ass

Lindsey Graham Doesn’t Think Senate Should Return Until He Can Fit His Mask Over Trump’s Nuts

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) can be counted among the elected Republicans who want to re-open the country’s economy up despite the fact the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak has not crested in all fifty states yet. However, according to Senator Graham, he’s also not too keen to return back to work in the Senate… Continue reading Lindsey Graham Doesn’t Think Senate Should Return Until He Can Fit His Mask Over Trump’s Nuts

Vice President Pence: “I’m Just Used To Leaving the House With The President’s Rectum Covering My Face”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — High Priest Vice President Mike Pence held a hastily thrown together press conference earlier this morning. The sole purpose behind it was to, according to Reverend Pence, “explain to the American people and the good folks at the Mayo Clinic” why he chose not to wear a mask during a visit to… Continue reading Vice President Pence: “I’m Just Used To Leaving the House With The President’s Rectum Covering My Face”

Trump Reassures First Lady Coronavirus Is Not Sexually Transmitted

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This afternoon, the president held a press event in the White House, touting his administration’s plan to get re-open the American economy. For much of the last two months, massive swaths of America’s economic engine have been forced to sit idle in order to flatten the curve of new COVID-19 infections. With… Continue reading Trump Reassures First Lady Coronavirus Is Not Sexually Transmitted

New Poll: 75% of Americans Hope Trump and Kim Jong-un Share a Cardiologist

The results of a newly conducted and released poll seem to indicate that nearly eight out of every ten Americans are hoping that North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-un and American Wannabe Dictator and Confirmed Dick-Tater Donald J. Trump share at least one thing — a cardiologist. While the world awaits confirmation of whether or not… Continue reading New Poll: 75% of Americans Hope Trump and Kim Jong-un Share a Cardiologist

Mike Pence Asks Heaven If Jesus Could Join Coronavirus Response Team

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus Hubert Christ, the Executive Vice President of Trinity, Inc., held his weekly press conference before the Pearly Gates this morning and discussed a number of topics ranging from “who put the bop in the bop-sha-bop-sha-bop” to the threat the coronavirus poses to his human customers down on Earth. During… Continue reading Mike Pence Asks Heaven If Jesus Could Join Coronavirus Response Team

55,000 Dead Americans Agree: It’s Important to Recognize How Mean The Press Is To Trump

As of the time of publication, the United States of America has officially reported 55,564 deaths from the pandemic outbreak of COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus. According to the national archives, the coronavirus death toll now exceeds that of the Vietnam War — long considered one of the most unnecessarily costly wars in terms of… Continue reading 55,000 Dead Americans Agree: It’s Important to Recognize How Mean The Press Is To Trump