CDC Study Shows Wearing a Mask Reduces Spreading Selfish Douchebaggery by 100%

HOTLANTA, GEORGIA — Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention just released a new study that they are hoping “settles and puts to rest some of the lingering questions” Americans might have about wearing facial coverings out in public. Most medical professionals have been strongly urging citizens to put on a cloth covering… Continue reading CDC Study Shows Wearing a Mask Reduces Spreading Selfish Douchebaggery by 100%

Trump Tells Taliban They Owe Him a Cut

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Whether or not the president was briefed on Russia’s efforts to pay bounties to Taliban forces in Afghanistan, what he did about that briefing, and who else was briefed about the situation is a subject that likely won’t be cleared up in the next few days. However, according to several sources close… Continue reading Trump Tells Taliban They Owe Him a Cut

DNC Encourages Trump Supporters to Boycott Elections With Mail-in Ballots

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic National Committee is urging Trump supporters who don’t feel mail-in ballots are a safe and secure way to hold elections to simply boycott them. “If the president’s supporters do not feel comfortable casting ballots in any election, they shouldn’t be forced to do so,” the DNC wrote in a press… Continue reading DNC Encourages Trump Supporters to Boycott Elections With Mail-in Ballots

Lahren: NASA Should Rename Black Holes Because ‘All Holes Matter’

VAPID VALLEY, TEXAS — Conservative right-wing firebrand commentator and Fox News contributor Tributary Lahren told a radio host today that she was about to file an official request with the White House, demanding that President Trump issue an “Imperial Presidential Decree” to NASA, directing them to rename black holes as “It’s Okay To Be White… Continue reading Lahren: NASA Should Rename Black Holes Because ‘All Holes Matter’

Should I Be Concerned That My Penile Discharge Looks Exactly Like Stephen Miller?

Author’s Note: Before reading this column any further, please be advised that I will be discussing a personal medical matter in great, gory detail. If you are the kind who finds yourself a little squeamish about topics of a frank, candid, and yes, a sexual nature, this may not be the op-ed for you. However, for any… Continue reading Should I Be Concerned That My Penile Discharge Looks Exactly Like Stephen Miller?

Pence: “We Flattened the Curve. We Saved Lives. Iraq had WMD. 2+2=Ketchup.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a press conference last week, Vice President Mike Pence caused quite a bit of eyebrow raising and head scratching. The presser was the first such event held by the White House coronavirus task force in a few weeks, and came amid a spike in COVID-19 infections reported in several areas of… Continue reading Pence: “We Flattened the Curve. We Saved Lives. Iraq had WMD. 2+2=Ketchup.”

Trump Thought Russians Were Paying the Taliban to Throw Paper Towels at U.S. Soldiers

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an administration seemingly built on and fueled by scandal, the administration’s latest fiasco has put them in perhaps one of their toughest positions in three years. Over the weekend, an explosive new report in The New York Times indicated that President Trump and his staff were briefed by intelligence agencies on a plot… Continue reading Trump Thought Russians Were Paying the Taliban to Throw Paper Towels at U.S. Soldiers

Louie Gohmert Dragged Away By Masked Millennials After Saying “Antifa” 3 Times Into Bathroom Mirror

VALLE DE MORMÓN RACISTACALVO, TEXAS — According to those with firsthand knowledge of the situation, authorities are still desperately searching for a congressman who apparently was kidnapped by a gang of masked millennials identifying as members of a local Antifa franchise. While George Soros, known also as Emperor Antifa has not officially released a statement… Continue reading Louie Gohmert Dragged Away By Masked Millennials After Saying “Antifa” 3 Times Into Bathroom Mirror

Trump Warns His Enemies May Attempt ‘Electoral Coup’ on Him By Voting for His Opponent

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The 2020 presidential election is now less than six months away while many parts of the country are seeing a strong enough resurgence of COVID-19 that they’re pausing or stopping their efforts to “re-open” their economies. One person who is clearly desperate to get as much of the country back to some… Continue reading Trump Warns His Enemies May Attempt ‘Electoral Coup’ on Him By Voting for His Opponent

Dan Bongino: “Parler is Social Media for People Tired of Hiding Behind Their Red Hats and White Hoods”

LAKE CRÂNE VIDE GÉANT, FLORIDA — Right-wing commentator Dan Bongino announced last week that he’s adding “social media investor” to a résume that already includes job titles like “disgraced former Secret Service agent” and “multiple failed congressional candidate” as well as “fired NRATV spokesterrorist.” Mr. Bongino announced on Twitter that he had invested quite heavily… Continue reading Dan Bongino: “Parler is Social Media for People Tired of Hiding Behind Their Red Hats and White Hoods”