Fauci Reminds Jim Jordan to Wear a Mask and Socially Distance When Ignoring Sexual Abuse

WASHINGTON, D.C. — During one exchange between Dr. Anthony Fauci and Congressman Jim Jordan while the former was testifying before a House select sub-committee on the country’s national COVID-19 response, Fauci pleaded with Jordan to remember to wear a face mask whenever possible. MORE: Devin Nunes Questions Founders’ Motives for Not Allowing Presidents to Delay… Continue reading Fauci Reminds Jim Jordan to Wear a Mask and Socially Distance When Ignoring Sexual Abuse

Trump: “All The Voices In My Head Agree With Me That The Election Will Be Rigged!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s one of the least well-kept secrets in D.C. — President Donald Trump doesn’t want the majority of Americans voting by mail this fall. Despite there being no evidence to back his claims up, the president has continued to insist that vote-by-mail — which he and several of his administration’s officials have… Continue reading Trump: “All The Voices In My Head Agree With Me That The Election Will Be Rigged!”

Devin Nunes Questions Founders’ Motives for Not Allowing Presidents to Delay Elections

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Can the President of the United States of America, with all the powers the office grants them, postpone or delay a presidential election? If one asks the Constitution and legal scholars, the answer is “no.” For President Donald Trump and his supporters, including Congressman Devin Nunes (R-CA), there is an entirely different… Continue reading Devin Nunes Questions Founders’ Motives for Not Allowing Presidents to Delay Elections

Satan Regrets Not Jerking Off In Time To Save Herman Cain’s Life

HELL — Former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain has died, having lost his month-long battle with COVID-19. Cain, who rose to national prominence in 2012 when he attempted to secure the GOP’s presidential nomination to challenge Barack Obama, infamously tweeted that he thought the reaction to the coronavirus was being overblown by the liberal press,… Continue reading Satan Regrets Not Jerking Off In Time To Save Herman Cain’s Life

That Time When Obama Suggested Delaying the Election and Republicans Were All Like, “Cool.”

This morning, shocking absolutely no one really, President Donald Trump — flagging in the polls and still flailing mightily at an attempt to actually lead the nation during concurrent health and economic crises — finally floated an idea many believed he was harboring anyway. MORE: Dr. Stella Immanuel to Head Up New White House Coronavirus… Continue reading That Time When Obama Suggested Delaying the Election and Republicans Were All Like, “Cool.”

Town Shocked to Discover Local Pious Man Actually Just Raging Hypocrite

EL OSO GRANDE VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — A small mountain town nestled in the mountains in Southern California was rocked this week by a scandal that one local told us they “never could have seen coming.” MORE: Local Karen Reports 18 Suspicious Antifas Armed With Clubs Up to Gang Activity in Local Park On Tuesday, Phillip… Continue reading Town Shocked to Discover Local Pious Man Actually Just Raging Hypocrite

Dr. Stella Immanuel to Head Up New White House Coronavirus and Demon Sperm Task Force

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has disbanded his first coronavirus task force, but has reconvened a second one with most of the same personnel, with one major change. MORE: President Retweets Breitbart Article Claiming COVID Can Be Cured with Trump Steaks “It is my great, bigly pleasure to announce the first coronavirus task force,… Continue reading Dr. Stella Immanuel to Head Up New White House Coronavirus and Demon Sperm Task Force

Trump Demands MySpace Make Him Part of Everyone’s Top 8

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today on the Hill, a House special select subcommittee hosted executives from some of the top tech companies in the country. Execs from Facebook, Google, Amazon, and Apple all testified before the committee, which has been investigating whether the companies have run afoul of America’s antitrust laws, which were famously used by… Continue reading Trump Demands MySpace Make Him Part of Everyone’s Top 8

Poll: Majority of Americans Rooting for COVID-19

The office of Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Crackfiendastan) announced today that he has tested positive for the novel coronavirus, or COVID-19. MORE: Jim Jordan: “Bill Barr Was the Only One With The Courage to Suck Trump Off and Make Him King” Gohmert is one of the loudest and most outspoken “anti-maskers” in Congress. He’s frequently been… Continue reading Poll: Majority of Americans Rooting for COVID-19

Trump Supporters Are Flooding WalMart Pharmacies With Demands for Alien DNA

BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS — WalMart has announced in a press release today that they are introducing new menu options to their automated pharmacy lines in order to “better handle the massive influx of calls” they’ve received from patients looking to get their hands on alien DNA. MORE: President Retweets Breitbart Article Claiming COVID Can Be Cured… Continue reading Trump Supporters Are Flooding WalMart Pharmacies With Demands for Alien DNA