Asshole Dresses as President for Final Halloween in the White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the fourth consecutive year, the asshole who lives in the White House has chosen his Halloween costume, and he’s chosen to dress up as the President of the United States of America. Word is, the asshole resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue really went for it this year. He wanted his costume… Continue reading Asshole Dresses as President for Final Halloween in the White House

Mother Checks Purse for Drugs Before Taking Her Kids Trick or Treating

STINK NUT FALLS, IDAHO — 35 year old Shelly Skalski is just about to take her three kids out trick or treating in the local town square. It’s a tradition in her sleepy Idaho berg that if Halloween falls on a Saturday, as it does this year, that the Friday night beforehand, the shops in… Continue reading Mother Checks Purse for Drugs Before Taking Her Kids Trick or Treating

Biden Plans to Deploy Official Democrat Antifa Squads In the Event of Post-Election Civil Unrest

SCHLANGE LAKE, FLORIDA — Just after concluding a campaign stop in Florida this morning, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden told reporters that if he wins the election next week, he’ll ensure a “productive and peaceful transition of power” by engaging the DNC’s official Antifa squads, deputizing and empowering them to patrol America’s streets, quelling civil… Continue reading Biden Plans to Deploy Official Democrat Antifa Squads In the Event of Post-Election Civil Unrest

On Her 39th Birthday, Ivanka’s Just One Year From Being Traded For Younger, Hotter Daughter

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump told his First Lady that while he wanted to wish her a happy birthday, she should be “very bigly careful” about getting any older. Today is Ivanka Trump’s 39th birthday, marking the start of the final year of thirties, which her father told reporters today is “the last time… Continue reading On Her 39th Birthday, Ivanka’s Just One Year From Being Traded For Younger, Hotter Daughter

Televangelist Publishes “MAGA-Friendly” Bible Just Three Pages Long

HOLY OAK, VIRGINIA — Bill Millen, a self-described “televangelist for Trump,” told his flock today that he has released a new, “MAGA-friendly” edition of the Holy Bible, and it’s for sale on his church’s website. A portion of the proceeds from the sale of each pro-Trump Bible will go toward Millen’s “most cherished charity.” “My… Continue reading Televangelist Publishes “MAGA-Friendly” Bible Just Three Pages Long

Dinesh D’Souza Can’t Quite Bring Himself to Call Klansman a “Liberal” to His Hooded Face

IDIOTA, MONTANA — While on a publicity tour promoting his latest project he calls a “film,” conservative firebrand author and convicted felon Dinesh D’Souza found himself completely unable to call the hooded klansman in front of him a “liberal,” despite being challenged to do so by a supporter of Joe Biden’s. “Sir, sir, if you’ll… Continue reading Dinesh D’Souza Can’t Quite Bring Himself to Call Klansman a “Liberal” to His Hooded Face

Ivanka: “America Needs the Leadership of Small Hands and Even Smaller Genitals”

OLD BALLS, FLORIDA — Addressing a rally for her father, held in a small city just a few miles south of Orlando, First Lady Ivanka Trump implored voters to “think about the kinds of hands behind the wheel” of America’s leadership. “Do you want someone with normal sized hands steering the ship? Call me crazy,”… Continue reading Ivanka: “America Needs the Leadership of Small Hands and Even Smaller Genitals”

Man Regrets His Early Vote for Hunter Biden’s Laptop

KOCKWAHRT, RHODE ISLAND — There is an old phrase you probably have never heard of, rooted in what we believe is an ancient language so old the president wouldn’t even dream of trying to diddle it, that is strangely enough quite apropos  to 54 year old Seb Jorgensen. “Hindsight is 2020,” he tells our reporter… Continue reading Man Regrets His Early Vote for Hunter Biden’s Laptop

Merriam-Webster Redefines the Word “Cunty”

The fact of the matter is that English, like all language, is an artform and communication tool constantly in a state of evolution. Slang becomes accepted, common vernacular every year. Dictionaries are constantly being updated to ensure that words and their meanings are defined accurately to the times we live in. All this explains why… Continue reading Merriam-Webster Redefines the Word “Cunty”

Brett Kavanaugh Had Really Wrong Idea Why Some Call Amy Coney Barrett a “Super Spreader”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — To be fair to him, Justice Brett Kavanaugh was only on his fourth Bud Light of the morning. Everyone who’s worked with the Supreme Court justice, the second of three installed by the Trump regime, knows that his brain doesn’t quite function the same until he’s had his full “morning 6-pack.” That… Continue reading Brett Kavanaugh Had Really Wrong Idea Why Some Call Amy Coney Barrett a “Super Spreader”