Trumpist Strikes a Blow for Freedom by Giving His Grandmother Covid-19 on Thanksgiving

DIPSHIT COVE, MICHIGAN — Stephan Crowzer, a 36-year old self-described “die hard Trumper” told us that he’ll never, ever forget how the sunrise looked last Thursday morning. He knew as he watched that hot ball of gas in the sky rise over the planet that he would make his mark that day, on Thanksgiving, and… Continue reading Trumpist Strikes a Blow for Freedom by Giving His Grandmother Covid-19 on Thanksgiving

Trump Asks SCOTUS to Force States to Count Votes Using Three-Fifths Compromise

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The failing Donald Trump re-election campaign has filed an emergency motion with the Supreme Court of the United States of America, asking the highest court in the country to dictate to all fifty states how to count the votes cast in the general election, held nearly three weeks ago. “We call upon… Continue reading Trump Asks SCOTUS to Force States to Count Votes Using Three-Fifths Compromise

President Finds It Hard To Believe 80 Million Fuckin’ Assholes and Losers Voted For Biden and Not Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the final analysis, President Donald J. Trump says he’s “just not convinced” and “can’t really understand” how he lost to Sleepy Toe-Teepy-Bo-Beepy-Mo-Meepy Joe Biden, and he’s having an extremely difficult time getting over his sad emotional state about it. That’s why, he told reporters, he keeps insisting that there’s “just no… Continue reading President Finds It Hard To Believe 80 Million Fuckin’ Assholes and Losers Voted For Biden and Not Him

Crews Greasing Door Hinges In Case Trump Has to be Pushed Out of White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Whether he wants to leave or not, by the end of January, once Joe Biden is sworn-in as the 46th President of the United States, Donald Trump will have to leave the White House. In case his efforts to forestall his departure extend beyond this year, and into next, reportedly crews have… Continue reading Crews Greasing Door Hinges In Case Trump Has to be Pushed Out of White House

Trump Supporter Presents Mexico With Bill for “Billions of Miles of Trump’s Wall”

COLD CAVE HILLS TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins told his fans this week that he is “still processing” the fact that Donald Trump won’t be president after January 20th, 2021. However, he also said in the interest of “moving on and moving forward,” he decided to send Mexico a bill for the… Continue reading Trump Supporter Presents Mexico With Bill for “Billions of Miles of Trump’s Wall”

Trump Administration Will Start Giving Biden Transition Team Covfefe Briefings

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though he seems intent on never technically conceding that he lost, President Donald Trump has agreed to begin allowing his administration to give the incoming Joe Biden administration important briefings, starting immediately. This morning, President Trump told reporters he authorized his staff to begin holding “daily covfefe briefings” with Biden’s team. “While… Continue reading Trump Administration Will Start Giving Biden Transition Team Covfefe Briefings

Eric and Don Jr Ask Santa for a PS5 and a New Election

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The outgoing president’s sons have sent urgent letters to, as one of them put it, “the most powerful man not named Vladimir Putin I know,” begging him to give them a new presidential election for Christmas. “Deer [sic] Santa, my name is Donald Trump Jr, and my daddy says I’m… Continue reading Eric and Don Jr Ask Santa for a PS5 and a New Election

Housekeeping Unsure How Long It Will Take to Fumigate Stench of Stupid from White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Perhaps its current occupant is still unwilling to face facts, but the simple truth is that on January 20th, 2021, a new couple will move into the White House. Reportedly, the cleaning staff at the president’s residence has been forced to get a jumpstart on the process of cleaning and preparing it… Continue reading Housekeeping Unsure How Long It Will Take to Fumigate Stench of Stupid from White House

Despondent Sean Hannity Can’t Believe the Confederacy Is Without a President Again

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — There are millions of Trump supporters all across America reeling from the stinging rebuke their Dear President received three weeks ago. Despite their confidence going into Election Day, when the dust settled and all the votes were counted, President Donald J. Trump did in fact lose to Sleepy BoBeepyToTeepyMoMeepy Joe… Continue reading Despondent Sean Hannity Can’t Believe the Confederacy Is Without a President Again

Can’t Follow Trump’s Legal Arguments? Try Smoking This Drug.

The 2020 presidential election was held almost three weeks ago, and the result has not been in serious doubt or question for at least two of the three weeks. However, that certainty — that former Vice President Joe Biden defeated President Donald Trump’s re-election bid — has not stopped the Trump campaign from filing a… Continue reading Can’t Follow Trump’s Legal Arguments? Try Smoking This Drug.