Biden Politely Declines Lindsey Graham’s Offer of Four Years of Public Beejers

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The note President Biden sent to Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) yesterday morning contained a very short message. “Thanks, but no thanks, Lindsey.” MORE: Gaez Blames Cancel Culture for His Inability to Bring a Woman to Climax Even Once Biden’s missive to his old friend addressed an offer that Graham had made to… Continue reading Biden Politely Declines Lindsey Graham’s Offer of Four Years of Public Beejers

Robinhood Files Paperwork to Change Its Name to “SheriffofNottingham.”

SWILLY CORN, VALLEY — Online brokerage trader Robinhood filed emergency paperwork with the Securities and Exchange Commission today, requesting an immediate change of their registered corporate name. The SEC is expected to approve the paperwork in short order, according to several sources with knowledge of the situation. “At the behest of our executive board, the… Continue reading Robinhood Files Paperwork to Change Its Name to “SheriffofNottingham.”

Sure Marjorie Taylor Greene is an Unhinged Racist, But She Makes Amazing Grits!

Freshman Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-MAGAstan) has had quite a first couple of weeks on her new job. On her first day as a congressional representative, and on the first day of his presidency, she filed Articles of Impeachment against President Joe Biden. It was well-known before she won her election last year that Greene… Continue reading Sure Marjorie Taylor Greene is an Unhinged Racist, But She Makes Amazing Grits!

McConnell: “Nobody’s Above the Law Except for D-List Reality TV Game Show Hosts”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) asserted as clearly and plainly as he could this morning that he doesn’t think it’s wise or prudent for Senate Democrats to be holding a second impeachment trial for the previous president, now that the Dems have officially taken control. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll… Continue reading McConnell: “Nobody’s Above the Law Except for D-List Reality TV Game Show Hosts”

Man Finds Ted Cruz Drowning and Throws Him a Cement Life Preserver

WASHINGTON, D.C. — While it’s not clear at this time exactly why Senator Ted Cruz went for a swim in the Potomac river last night, the Texas Republican was spotted having trouble keeping up with the river’s current. “Are you okay? Do you need help,” the anonymous stranger yelled out, seeing someone thrashing around in… Continue reading Man Finds Ted Cruz Drowning and Throws Him a Cement Life Preserver

Marjorie Taylor Greene Says You Can’t Impeach Former God Emperor Kings

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Freshman Qongresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene is firmly and completely in the MAGA camp. Greene made an instant name for herself as the first congressional candidate to openly embrace a conspiracy theory that Democrats are all Satan worshiping pedophiles and the former, one-term president was sent by God to stop the cabal’s activities.… Continue reading Marjorie Taylor Greene Says You Can’t Impeach Former God Emperor Kings

Hawley, Cruz, and Paul Leave GOP and Start the “Lost Cause Party”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the mid-19th century, the United States of America splintered, and spent four bloody years fighting each other during the Civil War. At its core, the central conflict of the war was the continuance of the African slave trade, and several states broke off from the Union, forming the Confederacy, and declared… Continue reading Hawley, Cruz, and Paul Leave GOP and Start the “Lost Cause Party”

Cruz: “An Impeachment Conviction After He’s Left Office Won’t Make My Wife Any Less Ugly”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Before he left office, the former President of the United States of America — a former reality-TV game show host and strong proponent of father/daughter sexual relations — was impeached for the second time in four years. The second time, he was impeached by the House of Representatives for inciting the January… Continue reading Cruz: “An Impeachment Conviction After He’s Left Office Won’t Make My Wife Any Less Ugly”

Gaez Blames Cancel Culture for His Inability to Bring a Woman to Climax Even Once

WASHINGTON, D.C. — If there is one thing Congressman Matt Gaetz loathes, it’s sobriety. Another thing he despises is “cancel culture.” Though many conservatives have a hard time telling the difference between “cancel culture” and “accountability,” the Florida Republican said that he doesn’t “think it matters one way or the other.” For a die-hard loyalist… Continue reading Gaez Blames Cancel Culture for His Inability to Bring a Woman to Climax Even Once

Biden Lifts Ban on Seniors With Bone Spurs Serving in Active War Zones

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Joe Biden signed two executive orders related to who can and cannot serve in active U.S. military duty. In fact, both orders are intended to expand the recruitment pool, rather than contract it. In a ceremony today in the Oval Office, a masked Biden signed two orders — one to… Continue reading Biden Lifts Ban on Seniors With Bone Spurs Serving in Active War Zones