ISIS Surprised By Popularity of Their Sign-Up Booth at CPAC

“Holy shit! This is absolutely insane! I never would have thought there’d be this many people signing up with us,” the man working the ISIS sign-up booth at CPAC told us via Skype this morning, “but it’s been absolutely nuts from the moment they opened the doors.” The spokesterrorist, speaking on the condition of anonymity,… Continue reading ISIS Surprised By Popularity of Their Sign-Up Booth at CPAC

Matt Gaetz Tells CPAC He Won’t Let Trump ‘Pull Out Until He Finishes’

A visibly evident and olfactorily confirmed drunk Rep. Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) slurred and stammered his way through a long-winded speech today during the 2021 CPAC conference. The Conservative Political Action Conference is an annual confab of the country’s loudest and proudest conservative figureheads and politicians. This year there is even more anticipation than usual because… Continue reading Matt Gaetz Tells CPAC He Won’t Let Trump ‘Pull Out Until He Finishes’

Pat Robertson Says God Will Send Hurricanes to All 50 States If ‘Gays Keep Getting Married’

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Televangelist Pat Robertson has an ominous warning for America: Stop letting the gays get married, or else God will flood all fifty states. Robertson was speaking on his Monday morning podcast, “Wake Up With Jesus,” when a caller asked him if he felt that hurricanes are in any way a message… Continue reading Pat Robertson Says God Will Send Hurricanes to All 50 States If ‘Gays Keep Getting Married’

Ted Cruz’s Ugly Wife Confirms Gender Neutral Potato Head and Her Husband Will Still Have Same Size Balls

Heidi Cruz, the ugly as sin wife of Sen. Ted Cruz, confirmed for reporters today that after Hasbro makes the iconic “Mr. Potato Head” toy gender-neutral, it will still have the same exact size balls as her husband. “Very honestly,” Ugly Hedi told reporters outside the couple’s non-Cancun-in-the-winter home, “when I first med Ted, I… Continue reading Ted Cruz’s Ugly Wife Confirms Gender Neutral Potato Head and Her Husband Will Still Have Same Size Balls

Scientists Developing Covid Vaccine That Will Also Shut Meghan McCain the Fuck Up

Calling it “one of the most important and necessary endeavors” of her career, Dr. Kimberly Manheimsteemrohler told a radio host today that she and her fellow researchers at Northwest Southern Idaho University are close to a true medical breakthrough. “If all goes well, we will have a covid-19 vaccine by the end of the week… Continue reading Scientists Developing Covid Vaccine That Will Also Shut Meghan McCain the Fuck Up

Update: Stephen Miller is Still a Bald, Racist Cunt

When one thinks back on the four year diarrhea buffet that was the Trump administration, it’s hard not to, at some point, think about his most diarrhea-tastic adviser — Stephen Miller. Of course, some might know Mr. Miller by his more commonly referred to name — “Fuckface Nazi.” Regardless of which name you prefer to… Continue reading Update: Stephen Miller is Still a Bald, Racist Cunt

CEO Larry Antifa Admits Ron Johnson is Right About the Capitol Riot

SOMEWHERE IN LIBTARDIA — When Sen. Ron Johnson (Q-WI) spoke during a Senate hearing yesterday, he raised quite a few eyebrows. The hearing was, ostensibly, about the January 6th insurrection on the capitol building. Johnson used his time to question witnesses instead to introduce into the record the opinions of someone who claims to have… Continue reading CEO Larry Antifa Admits Ron Johnson is Right About the Capitol Riot

Marjorie Taylor Greene Requests Medical Crack Exception From House Leadership

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene has a lot of time on her hands, now that she’s been completely stripped of her committee assignments. Some reports have placed Rep. Greene around D.C., standing in front of WalMarts and Chick-Fil-A establishments holding various QAnon pamphlets and shouting “MAGA FOR LIFE BITCHES!” into a bullhorn. It… Continue reading Marjorie Taylor Greene Requests Medical Crack Exception From House Leadership

Obama Asks Biden How Many Guns He’s Taken So Far

SECRET SHARIA BUNKER, KENYA — Former President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Socialism) told his former Vice President that he “needs an urgent status update” on a project assigned to him by their “mutual lord and savior, George Soros.” “Joe, as you know Master Soros commanded us back in 2009 to ensure that every single gun owned… Continue reading Obama Asks Biden How Many Guns He’s Taken So Far

First Recorded Sounds From Mars Are Martians Thanking Us For Electing Biden

In a truly stunning turn of events, the first audio recordings of the surface of Mars have been transmitted back to Earth by a rover vehicle. As surprising as it may be to many of us to be able to hear what the surface of the red planet sounds like, what is actually heard on… Continue reading First Recorded Sounds From Mars Are Martians Thanking Us For Electing Biden