Satan Issues Mask Mandate for Unvaccinated MAGAs

HELL, ETERNITY — Bob “Satan” McGee has issued a new mask mandate that applies to all unvaccinated, pro-MAGA residents of Hell. “We’re starting to see another uptick of MAGAs moving in, and a lot of them are dying with COVID again, which is particularly stupid given they have a damn vaccine for it,” Satan announced… Continue reading Satan Issues Mask Mandate for Unvaccinated MAGAs

Unvaccinated America First Patriot Refuses to Wear a Mask or Condom While Raw-Dogging His Cousin

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — In an interview soon to be published in American ConservaFascist Today, Jethro Bohiggins — right-wing podcaster, singer/writer — says he will never wear a mask, or a condom, while having sex with his cousin, Karen Bohiggins. “I’m sick to damn death of nerds in lab coats literally putting a gun… Continue reading Unvaccinated America First Patriot Refuses to Wear a Mask or Condom While Raw-Dogging His Cousin

Pro-Life Republican Against Life Saving Vaccines and Masks

IDIOTSBERG, TENNESSEE — Sam Bedford has been what he calls a “rock-ribbed, dyed-in-the-wool, Constitutional pro-life conservative Republican” his entire life. Bedford’s mom and dad are Republicans, though his maternal grandparents were both Democrats of the FDR vintage. However, for his entire life, Sam says he has “worked tirelessly” to overturn the landmark Roe Vs. Wade… Continue reading Pro-Life Republican Against Life Saving Vaccines and Masks

Boebert: “Americans Don’t Need Vaccines Because The Second Amendment Already Protects Them”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congresswoman Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) told a group of pro-MAGA political donors at a prayer breakfast this morning that she thinks getting a COVID-19 vaccine is a “personal choice” and that efforts put in by the Biden administration to encourage and urge Americans to get vaccinated are “pretty much Nazi stuff” and the… Continue reading Boebert: “Americans Don’t Need Vaccines Because The Second Amendment Already Protects Them”

Charlie Kirk Wins Gold Medal for Having a Terrifyingly Small Face on a Hilariously Giant Head

Right-wing provocateur Charlie Kirk made waves today when he lashed out and criticized multiple-gold medal winning American gymnast Simone Biles, who took herself out competition for the team finals last night in Tokyo. Kirk blasted Biles for explaining her decision to withdraw, in part, was based on mental health factors. Kirk implied that Biles was… Continue reading Charlie Kirk Wins Gold Medal for Having a Terrifyingly Small Face on a Hilariously Giant Head

Lindell: Trump Will Ride The Loch Ness Monster Into D.C. On August 13th and ‘Retake His Throne’

On August 13th, a triumphant Donald John Trump will mount a saddled Loch Ness monster — “Nessie” as she’s known the world over — and ride that beast back into Washington, D.C., where will be “set back down upon his gilded throne.” At least, that’s what MyPillow CEO and crack cocaine aficionado Mike Lindell believes… Continue reading Lindell: Trump Will Ride The Loch Ness Monster Into D.C. On August 13th and ‘Retake His Throne’

Ingraham on D.C. Police Testimony: “From Now On, I Only Back the Blue When They Kill the Blacks”

Last night, Fox News host and aging fascist Laura Ingraham lashed out at the four members of the capitol police who gave their testimony to the January 6th special select congressional committee yesterday. This morning, during a radio interview with WKKK’s Chip Chatterly, Ingraham doubled-down on her remarks, calling the police “traitors to the MAGA… Continue reading Ingraham on D.C. Police Testimony: “From Now On, I Only Back the Blue When They Kill the Blacks”

GOP Election Audits Prove Biden’s Presidency Can Only Last Three and a Half More Years

The results of two major pretend-audits in Arizona and Georgia are starting to come in, and Cyber Ninjas, the company that performed them, says that they’re showing “clear-ish and semi-obvious potential evidence” that could threaten the presidency of Joe Biden. At a hastily thrown together press conference this afternoon, Cyber Ninja deputy press officer Dick… Continue reading GOP Election Audits Prove Biden’s Presidency Can Only Last Three and a Half More Years

Which Beloved Racist Mascot Are You Going to Literally Murder Next, Libs?

Editor’s Note: The following op-ed was written by conservative commentator and former Republican state senator, Dustin Pewpson. It does not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of this outlet, its ownership, or staff. Well, great. You’ve done it, Libs. You’ve successfully pulled off yet another homicide.┬áLiteral homicide.┬áLast week, the Major League Baseball Team in Cleveland… Continue reading Which Beloved Racist Mascot Are You Going to Literally Murder Next, Libs?

Greene Establishes August 35th Committee to Investigate Why Trump Hasn’t Been Reinstated Yet

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, the highly-anticipated and much-delayed congressional investigation into the January 6th failed insurrection on behalf of Donald Trump will get underway. The special select committee is tasked with diving into the who, what, where, when, why, and how of the attack on the U.S. capitol during the certification of the 2020… Continue reading Greene Establishes August 35th Committee to Investigate Why Trump Hasn’t Been Reinstated Yet