Scientist Thinks She Can Prove Madison Cawthorn’s Body is Hosting Timothy McVeigh’s Spirit

POOPSCOOP, VIRGINIA — Dr. Henrietta Kittenz wrote on her popular blog, devoted to biology and science, that she has undertaken a study she thinks could “shed some really interesting light” on one particular member of Congress. “What my study seems to indicate, is that there is quite a good chance that Rep. Madison Cawthorn’s body… Continue reading Scientist Thinks She Can Prove Madison Cawthorn’s Body is Hosting Timothy McVeigh’s Spirit

Congressional Republicans Blast Biden Over Political Props Stranded in Afghanistan

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Whether it’s Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun), freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA), or any of a number of Congressional Republicans, one thing has become rapidly and abundantly clear — the GOP cares about what happens in Afghanistan for the first time in nearly 20 years. Which is why so many of them… Continue reading Congressional Republicans Blast Biden Over Political Props Stranded in Afghanistan

Autopsy Shows Babbitt Died of Fuckedaroundandfoundoutitis

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the coroner in charge of overseeing hopeful domestic terrorist Ashli Babbitt’s autopsy revealed new information and reported a new, updated cause of death. “After carefully looking back over the previous examinations, and conducting one more myself,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux announced today, “that Ashli Bedford Forest Babbitt died of the most… Continue reading Autopsy Shows Babbitt Died of Fuckedaroundandfoundoutitis

Greene’s Vet Begs Her Not to Take COVID Vaccine for Heartworms

EQUINE HILLS, GEORGIA — Freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) was forced to see her longtime doctor this weekend, after reporting symptoms of heartworms. Dr. Michael McDonald, who has been treating Greene since she was a young pony, diagnosed her almost immediately, but sources say that some unforeseen tension between the veterinarian and his longtime… Continue reading Greene’s Vet Begs Her Not to Take COVID Vaccine for Heartworms

Cruz: “America Needed a Draft Dodger With Bone Spurs Leading the Afghanistan Withdrawal”

“What this entire debacle has taught is something really quite simple to understand. America needed a draft dodger with bone spurs leading the Afghanistan withdrawal.” – Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) During a press conference this morning, Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) lambasted the Biden administration for how it handled the drawdown of U.S. troops in Afghanistan.… Continue reading Cruz: “America Needed a Draft Dodger With Bone Spurs Leading the Afghanistan Withdrawal”

African Farmer Will Trade MAGAs His Livestock Drugs for COVID Vaccines

SUDAN — Amani Mahmoud and his family have been farming in Sudan for generations, and he is quite proud of that heritage. Recently, Amani made headlines when he decided to offer Americans who, in his words, are, “pro-MAGA and anti-science and common sense” a trade. “I will give you, the MAGAs, some of the drugs… Continue reading African Farmer Will Trade MAGAs His Livestock Drugs for COVID Vaccines

Local Moron Sees Inconvenience as Tyranny

LAKE SKIPPY, TENNESSEE — Jack “Dipshit” McPhuckphace is known throughout his sleepy town as a moron. In fact, McPhuckphace is such a moron he’s won a prize at the state fair each year for the last two decades for being the “Dumbest, Most Inbred Sack of Stupid Shit in Tennessee.” Recently, Jack was interviewed by… Continue reading Local Moron Sees Inconvenience as Tyranny

Greene Demands an Update From the FDA on Approval of Bleach and Sunlight Injections

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After months of waiting, the Food and Drug Administration finally gave its full approval to Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine. However, for some that isn’t good enough, and the FDA needs to also rush its approval of other forms of treatment. At a press conference this morning, freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) angrily… Continue reading Greene Demands an Update From the FDA on Approval of Bleach and Sunlight Injections

Bible Belt Teenage Incest Pregnancies Skyrocket After Fauci Reiterates Effectiveness of Condoms

The American Medical Union of America released a report this week that indicates Anthony Fauci may have even less influence over pro-MAGA Americans than was even considered possible only a few weeks ago. At a press conference Tuesday morning, Dr. Silvia Bilvia reported that the AMUA has documented a 6,000% spike in teenage incest pregnancies… Continue reading Bible Belt Teenage Incest Pregnancies Skyrocket After Fauci Reiterates Effectiveness of Condoms

Liar Makes Truly Idiotic Claim About Crises During Crybaby Sore Loser’s Presidency

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Appearing on Fox News today, known liar and moron Kayleigh McEnany, former Press Secretary to Donald John Trump, doubled-down on recent criticisms she’s had of President Joe Biden and the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan. “President King God Emperor Trump shat ice cream — that I ate personally and… Continue reading Liar Makes Truly Idiotic Claim About Crises During Crybaby Sore Loser’s Presidency