I just can’t keep up. I really can’t. I can’t watch everything. It’s not even that I really want to watch everything; it’s that there’s so much I want to watch. So in truth, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ll never be able to watch everything I want to watch.

I have this feeling like I’ll still be binge watching episodes of shows my friends have already all seen long after I’m dead. Like, 30 years later I’ll be in the afterlife still “working on getting to” the last season of Newsroom or finishing Girls. Fucks’s sake, there’s too much content out there for any one human to consume in their lifetime.

We subscribe to a handful of streaming services. Between them all, though, I still don’t manage to spend as much on pointless cable TV content I was never going to watch. Granted, I seem to be paying for streaming content I may never watch either; but at least for the most part I’m paying less…on average…for it. And good god above when Disney+ starts, that means I’m sure I’ll be putting every other streaming service’s content on the backburner for a couple months so I can binge The Simpsons from the beginning and relive my childhood with the Disney Afternoon every day with my sons. 

My wife and I are not quite yet finished with Breaking Bad. I know we’ll get there soon, and everyone else will have already seen the movie Netflix just made. But I think first we have to watch Better Call Saul, right? Or do we? Does it matter? I’m not even sure. I just know that every moment I spend watching Breaking Bad, I’m falling further behind on Bojack Horseman. And every episode of 30 Rock I rewatch for the twelfth or thirteenth time in my life, that’s 22 minutes I could spend watching Ash vs. The Evil Dead. 

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I keep telling myself, “I’ll get to it…one day,” about pretty much every show I love. I know I’m not alone in this, and the idea of “you can’t have and do all of anything” is certainly not a new concept to me. The fact that I’m not a world famous goat breeder tells me that. I mean, sure, most people don’t want humans fucking their goats anyway, but I have a gift, and I’m pretty confident my hugoat babies would be absolutely adorable. 

Anyway, the point is, you can’t always get what you want, as my children both learned so well from Yo! Gabba Gabba. 

I want to watch it all though. Because a lot of the time, when I finally get around to watching something I’ve heard is really great, I discover a Schitt’s Creek. What a brilliant gem of a show that is. Catherine O’Hara and Eugene Levy are legends just doing their legendary comedy thing. Everyone else is literally perfectly cast around them, and the show constantly surprises me with real moments of tender emotional exploration. So I know there are more like it out there; I just haven’t gotten to them yet.

In fact, there are entire HBO series that I’ve either missed out on or haven’t finished, too. I guess the same goes for Showtime and I know there has to be a softcore porn from Cinemax I haven’t seen. Maybe not any from the early to mid-90’s, but we all gotta come of age in the eras we got. I still laugh when I think about the access to porn my kids will have in their days that I had to make a willful effort to find, pay for and then feel disgusted with myself for watching. Kids these days can see a much larger variety of adult content than I even dreamed imaginable, even after I had gotten my first cell phone.

Fuck, I guess I really am getting old, aren’t I? 

“I remember having to walk to the store to buy my booby magazines, and porn on my computer was pixelated downloads from BBS boards!”

Jesus. I just realized that I’m also never going to get to watch all the porn, either. I hope you’re all feeling very sorry for me. Or at least as sorry for me as I am.

So, I guess…that means we have to be discerning. And I don’t mean that in some pretentious way, either. I mean it literally. The nature of life, and now the nature of content, is that you kind of have to actively choose what to filter in or filter out. It’s actually another way of proving the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Human existence has been complicated and messy for a long time. Working takes up a third of your day. Sleeping, the other third. That leaves you, roughly, with a third of your life to do shit in. When you get to the age when half of your useful third is already gone, it sure does put things into perspective. It makes you think long and hard about what it is you want to be doing with your time. It forces you to consider what you can filter into and out of your eyes and ears.

And so if you’ll excuse me, I have a ton of softcore Skin-a-Max porn to watch from the early 2000’s through now to catch up on. Can you believe they never made a Bare Witch Project 6?!

Until tomorrow, thanks for reading.

Catch up on the rest of the year’s entries HERE.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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