Raise your hand if you only exist because two random strangers wanted to fuck.
I see you, Billy. I see you, Sherry. I see you, Katie. I see you…pretty much all of the seven-plus billion people on the planet. I see you all. Each and every one of you, just existing in this one, fleeting life we have all due to the fact that two random-ass strangers — people you had absolutely nothing to do with before — really wanted to fuck.
Thank god, really, for the human impulse to want to bust a nut or a lady nut…or I guess in 2019 we don’t really have to delineate the gender of the nut, do we? So just “nut,” then. Without that impulse, that “nut”pulse, most of us really wouldn’t be here.
Let me just stop, right now, and acknowledge that of course not every person is conceived by two people who want to fuck each other. But since rape babies and babies conceived out of some spousal sense of duty to let your man spread his seed aren’t conducive to humor and/or readers feeling good about what they read, let’s just pretend we all were conceived because two people, two completely random people that we did not and could not know beforehand, just wanted to fuck each other’s brains out.
We’ve all felt that urge, I think. Most of us. That feeling.
You’re with that person who just gooses your berries. They flip your flop. They excite your excitables. And the two of you just want to get together and rub genitals. I realize this is a very heteronormative point of view on sex, so don’t look at it like it’s about sex. It’s not. This observation of mine is about procreation.
Shit. I just realized that not only are their rape babies and babies conceived out of spousal duty (so so so fucking gross!), there are babies conceived in labs now, too. So, guess why people are going to be discriminated against in a generation or two?
“Oh, you weren’t conceived the NORMAL, NATURAL way? Get outta here! We don’t serve your kind here!”
What an uplifting thought, huh? Of course, maybe I’m wrong. It’s not like hating on people just because they’re different and have different life experiences than you is a default position for a lot of human beings, right?
And again, since discrimination, rape babies, and spousal duty sex is not fun or all that funny, we’re not going to focus on that. We’re going to focus on the fact that for the vast majority of us, right now, the way we came to be is through two human beings just wanting to strip naked and do the Hibbity-Dibbity with one another. Every time your mother kissed you on the forehead and handed your lunch before you headed to school? You owe that to your mom hurtin’ for a squirtin’ from the guy who did the flirtin’. When your dad took you to a baseball game, or taught you how to change the oil on your car, he was given that opportunity because he wanted to see what it looked like when your mom’s boobs weren’t covered up with clothing.
Even if your parents didn’t get married, or stay married, or even want to fuck each other after they conceived you, it doesn’t matter. They still, for a solid 5 minutes at least, couldn’t keep their sinful little hands off each other. They couldn’t contain those hedonistic impulses to suck and fuck each other to oblivion. And it’s thanks to that act of bone-doggin’ that you’re here! Yay you!
If your parents were a couple of awesome people, or if they were two total assholes, it doesn’t matter. They wanted to fuck, they fucked, and now you have a consciousness. I don’t know what that means, really, but it’s true. And when you spend much of your creative juices making up untrue stuff for hopefully comedic effect, it’s nice when you can just tell a truth.
In this case, the truth being, “You wouldn’t be here unless two people you didn’t know fucked each other.”
Maybe if we kept this in mind, “fuck you,” wouldn’t be an insult. I mean, fucking is how we got here, so maybe the word “fuck” should be honored and cherished, instead of treated like a dirty little word no one should say, let alone do.
I feel like if more people kept this idea in mind — that they’re only here because two human beings wanted to make each other go, “Uhhhh,” we might not have so many religious zealots in this country. Think about it. The only thing that separates supposedly good, clean, Christian cumming from evil Satanic load shooting is religious dogma. That’s it. If two people say they love Jesus, and go to church, no one in their congregation denies them the chance to fuck. In fact, a weird, almost mystical worship of the act of fucking starts to take shape, and all of a sudden “the love of a man and his wife” is a euphemism for “fucking the ever loving shit out of each other.”
My wife and I were talking about this whole thing the other night, and she said something that made me die laughing. She basically asked, “What if the Big Bang was just two people fucking?”
I have to say, that’s the closest I could come to believing in some higher power again. I love the idea of all our existences originating from two cosmic forces getting their swerve on. And the truth is that version of a creation myth sounds more fun than any story in the Bible I’ve ever read.
“In the beginning, God’s pussy was throbbing and she saw some hot piece of dick she really wanted it in her, and the dick was good.”
Plus, c’mon, it totally gives “Big Bang” a new and more exciting meaning. Of course it would be a big one if it was the bang that started it all.
And that’s all I’ve got for today. Until tomorrow, thanks for reading.
Catch up on the rest of the year’s entries HERE.
Recent Satire: Mark Zuckerberg Totally Won’t Mind Us Publishing That He Fucks Sheep On His Social Media Platform
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.