356 to 40: I Don’t Think WalMart Wants You To Actually Buy Anything At Their Stores Anymore

Have you tried to buy anything at WalMart recently?

I know we hardcore left-wing commie pinko liberals aren’t supposed to shop there because they’re pretty evil to their employees, but the fact remains that I’m still not made of money. Even though I have a team of scientists devoted to converting my DNA into hard currency, while I wait for my modern medical miracle, I have to shop at WalMart to find what I need at a price I can afford every so often.

Lately though, every time I’ve gone to WalMart, it seems like more and more items are locked up in glass cases, and you need to press a button and wait for a person who comes and unlocks the case for you.

Once the locked up items are retrieved, you have to either pay for them immediately, or if you’re not done checking out, they’ll take it to a register for you. Everything in the electronics section of the store is pretty much under lock and key, which I understand when you’re talking about video game consoles, laptops, and other expensive high tech shit. But we’re talking about even things like USB cables and adapters being locked up. Things that cost the customer less than ten bucks, locked up. Which means WalMart is so concerned about something that costs them at most five or six bucks being stolen so much they lock a substantial portion of their inventory up. 

It’s not just gadgets and tech stuff that gets locked up, either. In one of my two local WalMarts, even things like clothing that could be called “traditional, blue collar work clothes” are locked up. If I had to guess, they’re worried about, perhaps, a homeless person stealing clothes and so they’re locked up. I could make a joke about a company being owned and operated by pious Christian-types who are such craven capitalists that they work so hard to stop poor people stealing clothes to stay warm, but sometimes the joke is the punchline.

Some recent satire: Mexico Offers To Pay For 100% Of Wall On Their Border With Colorado

The other night, I had to go into WalMart to pick up some generic Claritin. I have terrible allergies, especially this time of year. So imagine my surprise when I found out that they even keep that bullshit under lock and key.

Claritin. Who the hell using Claritin to cook meth? I mean, honestly I’ve never cooked meth so I don’t know if Claritin can be used for it, but if cooking meth with it isn’t the issue, then what is? The bottle of sixty pills cost me just over five bucks. So that means it can’t have cost WalMart more than a couple bucks. Why all the effort to keep stuff like this behind glass cases?

I’ve seen some articles that ask the question if it’s some either coded or unintentionally racist bullshit. Basically, wondering why it’s often times hair care products most often popular among the African American community. Is the implication that black hair care products are stolen more often, and therefore by black people more often?

Smells like bullshit to me, is all I know.

Condoms and other family planning stuff are kept in a case as well. I get it. Kids could come in and rip off the condoms so they can go have teenage sex. And sure, if enough condoms are stolen, it’ll drive up the cost of prophylactics…but it seems to me getting condoms stolen should be considered some kind of tax deductible charity to society. Preventing teenage pregnancies prevents teenage abortions, and so, once again, I’m left wondering, why all the security?

Honestly, it’s starting to feel like WalMart really would rather you not go into their store. Maybe it’s so they can just deliver the stuff to you from an online order. Maybe it’s because they’re bored of their market dominance. I don’t really know. The answer of course is that they’re not doing this on purpose, but it seems beyond dumb to me to do this with so much of their stuff.

I think I understand why WalMart does this, of course. It’s about their bottom line. Keep everything they can locked up and they’ll control how much of their inventory goes walking out without being paid for. But when a store locks up things that aren’t worth even twenty dollars, all they’re really doing is making the opportunity to shop from home all that much more appealing. I know I will never buy any cables or anything else I need like them from WalMart again, not while Amazon can have them to me next day.

I know I’m helping the evil Amazon Empire, but we’re faced with tough choices all the time.

Until tomorrow, thanks for reading.

Catch up on the rest of the year’s entries HERE.

Some recent satire: Matt Gaetz Blows .18 On Breathalyzer After Barging Into Closed Door Impeachment Hearing


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

More from James Schlarmann