Have you ever had to take a shit?

Chances are, if you’re a carbon based lifeform living on Earth, you answered, “Hell yes, James, I have to take a shit often. Because shitting is a natural part of life, and I eat enough food to where I have to shit, at least once a day.”

First of all, let me commend your honesty, and quite frankly your command of the English language. That’s an impressive way to confirm that you, as a human being, have to shit at least once a day. That’s a good thing. Shit away. I want to talk about one of the euphemisms people use for taking a shit. To me, just the fact that we choose to create these little phrases or idioms about defecating is pretty hilarious. After all, if there is anything that could unite all humans no matter their station in life, it’s that we all shit.

Some of my recent satire: Mark Zuckerberg Totally Won’t Mind Us Publishing That He Fucks Sheep On His Social Media Platform

But “politeness” and “couth” are things that mature adults I guess strive to have more of in their lives, and thus we’ve invented fun phrases for letting people know we have to take a shit. Here are some of the more common ones:

  • “I’ve got a butt baby I’m about to birth!”
  • “I gotta take a dump!”
  • “Excuse me, I have to go see a man about a horse.”
  • “Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl.”
  • “Pinching a loaf.”
  • “I’ve got a turtle head popping out.”
  • “I’m going to drop the kids off at the pool.”

Now, let’s stop and examine that last one a bit, okay?

There’s another popular variation of it. “I need to take the Cosby kids to the pool.” We all get what the reference here is; we’re dropping our lovely turds into a toilet bowl, or pool, since it’s round and full of water. The problem with this euphemism though, is that’s kinda racist. I mean that. Think about it. If your shit is white, or pretty much any other color than a shade of brown, or sometimes green, you’ve got a cause for concern. Of course, if you’re an avid beet eater, you’ve got another color stool that’s probably just fine, though most of us would lose our shit over that shit if our we looked down and saw red shit. 

(Shit)

The point is, the only color, really, of any kids you’d be “dropping off at the pool” would be brown. And, well, you’re kind of calling brown kids shit at that point, aren’t you? Look, I’m not saying you’re racist if you’ve ever used this euphemism, because I’d be calling myself a racist since I used to use it all the time. But I haven’t been using it since I realized that, yeah, it’s kind of a racist thing to say, if you break it down a little bit.

It’s even more offensive and racist if you add the “Cosby kids” variation to it. Because while the other one could be, technically, about any color shit and/or kid, the Cosby kids were all brown-skinned people. So if we’re going to put “dropping the kids off at the pool” out of bounds, we really need to do that with “Dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool,” since that’s even more problematic. But, I have an idea for those of you who still want to reference feces and the name Cosby at the same time, and I think you’ll like it.

How about we just change it to, “Bill Cosby is a convicted serial rapist.” I’m not even remotely kidding. I genuinely think that’s what this particular euphemism needs to be changed to.

It’s:

a) true

b) not actually racist

c) helps keep Bill Cosby paying a societal price for being, you know, a convicted serial rapist.

  • “Oh man, I shouldn’t have eaten all that Taco Bell last night, because now Bill Cosby is a convicted serial rapist.”
  • “I had a big bowl of chili for lunch, so if you’ll excuse me for just a moment, Bill Cosby is a convicted serial rapist.”
  • “Hey, we’ve been together a long time, like a long, long time. And we’ve done it ALL sexually. But I want to take things to a level you may not be comfortable with. I don’t know how else to ask for this…would you be willing to Bill Cosby is a convicted serial rapist on my chest?”
  • “Eww! Gross, Billy! That fart was gross! Are you sure you don’t have to Bill Cosby is a convicted serial rapist?”

See? No matter what the scenario, replacing “Dropping the kids off at the pool” just feels better when we say, “Bill Cosby is a convicted serial rapist” instead.

Until tomorrow, thanks for reading.

Catch up on the rest of the year’s entries HERE.

Some of my recent satire: MAGA Boy Can’t Understand Why President Would Call Impeachment A ‘Good Thing Like Lynching’


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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