364 to 40: An Open Letter to My Body


Dear My Body,

What the fuck, man? Are we sick, or aren’t we? We’ve been dealing with this bug for about two weeks now. I think it’s time for it to be done with us, don’t you? So, hurry up and make that happen. It’s one thing to be sick, it’s another to be full of anxiety over a sickness that seems relatively mild, all things considered. But that’s where we are at now, because as you know, My Body, I’ve pretty much lived my entire life in a state of anxiety about my health.

Luckily for us, we live in Freedom Land, which means our healthcare system is, by definition, absolutely perfect. Sure, I had to make a “new patient” appointment, which means waiting two more weeks to be seen, but I’m sure it’s no big deal right? We’ve only already been sick a couple weeks…what could two more weeks possibly harm, right? Good thing we don’t live in some socialist hell hole where you have to wait for a doctor’s appointment, huh?

Man it feels so good to live in a country that values our freedom so much it knows that it cannot possibly ask a doctor to accept payment for her services from the government, instead of an insurance company, or better yet, from your own boot strap droppings. Because I can’t imagine what it would be like to have to wait for medical care. See, I’m not waiting for medical care right now, I’m just waiting for my free market medical provider to have an opening in their schedule specifically set aside for new patients. Sure, in some other countries I could just find my nearest GP, go in, and be seen, but that’s socialism or something, and we can’t have such convenient, taxpayer funded things as this.

Some Recent Satire I Wrote: Trump Accuses Democrats Of Trying To Steal An Election By Getting More Votes

But really, My Body, one way or the other we need to be rid of this particular bug. It’s been more annoying than anything. No real fever to speak of. No sore throat. Just general body fatigue, coughing that has all but subsided, and wet hot fire garbage ass (you’re welcome for the visual) from time to time. The best adjective to describe this bullshit would be “annoying.” And at this point, I’d settle for a giant syringe full of whatever I need, shot right into my pee-pee hole, if that’s what it took to feel fully human again.

Getting sick, as you get older, seems to suck a little more too. I mean, I can’t speak for everyone out there, but as I get older, I realize more and more how small illnesses can get out of hand. I realize how much I need to be able to take time for my body to rest, because it seems like infections want to linger a little longer. How fortunate I am to get to add this to the growing list of things that are different as I get older. 

Anyway, My Body, thanks to how you’re making me feel right now, that’s all I got. I’m literally just doing this to keep up with my commitment to write about every day before I turn 40, otherwise I’d already be curled up under a blanket, hoping that this time I’d wake up done with this shit show infection once and for all. 

Over It,

Your Pal Jambo



Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here