AG Bar Says Mueller Report Exonerates Jussie Smollett

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The topsy-turvy, freewheeling, unpredictable nature of the major news headlines this week just took yet another turn for the completely unforeseen. At a hastily assembled press conference this morning, Attorney General William Barr addressed a growing controversy out of Chicago.

“I’m here to inform the American public that after a careful re-examination of the Mueller Report,” Barr said, “the actor known as Jussie Smollett has been completely exonerated, based on my interpretation.”

Pausing for a moment, Barr continued.

“As ever, I have no intention of showing you the actual Mueller Report, however, I will show this carefully constructed excerpt from it, made up of sixteen separate paragraphs,” Barr said, pointing to a printed piece of paper he was holding.

The paper was heavily redacted, but the words that were left spelled out, roughly, “He…didn’t…do…it.” Though the document itself doesn’t mention who “he” is specifically, Barr said the American people can “just trust” him that it was referring to Smollett, who was arrested last month on charges that he staged the assault he reported to have taken place in Chicago, back in January.

Smollett’s story took its first turn when the men who were arrested by the Chicago PD weren’t two white men, as Smollett had said they were, but instead two brothers from Nigeria. Police allege that Smollett hired the men to stage the attack, but the memo on the check that CPD used as evidence said it was for physical training. Smollett was arrested and arraigned, charged with multiple counts stemming from the allegations he made about the attack.

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Then the saga took yet another turn this morning when it was announced that all the charges against Smollett would be dropped. Citing the fact that he was surrendering his $100,000 bond and he’d already performed some community service, Chicago prosecutors announced that the case would be closed, and a judge has ordered the records sealed. The move brought swift confusion and condemnation from both Democrats and Republicans who say it smacks of a privileged situation for someone with money and influence.

“Funnily enough, Mueller’s report says that it’s actually, totally okay and cool to use your money and fame to shirk responsibility,” Barr said, “so that’s pretty much a win for Jussie and for the president, isn’t it?”

President Trump has indicated that he is not happy with his attorney general’s announcement. While hosting several right-wing journalists from Breitbart, InfoWars, OANN, Fox News, Stormfront, and a guy who chucks chemtrail and Benghazi pamphlets at you as you exit the supermarket, Trump addressed Barr’s exoneration of Smollett via the Mueller Report.

“Umm. That’s, like, my report, okay? I don’t know why Bill is going around using it to get other people out of trouble, when I specifically told him to use it only for me,” Trump told the reporters. “Then again, before I had this job I was a D-List reality TV show host who was the butt of every joke and most people thought was too stupid to run a lemonade stand, much less the country, so I should prolly just sit back, enjoy the lifetime Secret Service protection, and then help my sons Uday and Qussay become presidents after I’ve served all six of my terms.”

When Attorney General Barr was asked if he could offer any insights at all into his decision to use the Mueller Report to exonerate Smollett, he chose instead to give everyone the finger, blow a fart noise in their faces, and run away repeating, “Iran Contra! Iran Contra! Iran Contra!” over and over again until he disappeared in a cloud of smoke that smelled like fascist authoritarianism.

This story is developing.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.