MAR-A-LAGO — Today, before firing off a handful of angry tweets about a report that he says fully exonerates his behavior and actions, President Donald Trump used Twitter to send the country a greeting for Easter. Privately, however, sources say that the presdient has been seething ever since Sarah Huckabee Sanders explained to him what Easter is about to people like her and her famous open mic comic father, Mike “My Children Are Dog and Truth Killers” Huckabee.
“So what you’re telling me, Sarah, is that this is sort of like Jesus’ second birthday we’re celebrating? Is that right,” Trump asked his press secretary.
Huckabee Sanders told Trump he “could put it that way, yes.” That’s when those close to the situtation say Trump became irate. With anger rising in his voice, he wanted to know how it came to be that Jesus gets two birthdays, but the President of the United States of America is only given one day to celebrate his.
“Well, sir,” Huckabee began to explain, “if you had been hung up on a cross and died, and then rose from your grave you’d be – ”
Trump was pretty sure he knew the answer and he cut Huckabee Sanders off with it.
“A zombie,” Trump interjected, giving himself a high-five and a treat for getting something right, just like the Joint Chiefs of Staff do in his briefings. “Nailed it.”
Huckabee Sanders pressed on.
“No, sir,” she said, “You’d be, well, like Jesus was. See, that’s what we Christians believe. That Jesus was the literal son of God…”
Trump started to stifle a laugh.
“…and that he lived a clean, virginal, sin-free life of 34 years…” Huckabee Sanders contined.
Trump began to let some of his laugh out.
“…and that he willingly decided to let the Roman government execute him, put him on a cross after whipping and beating him and making him wear a crown of thorns,” Huckabee Sanders kept explaining.
Now, Trump was outright guffawing.
“…and that he did this to pay for all our sins,” Huckabee Sanders again pressed on, trying to ignore the taunting, mocking laughter her boss was directing at her.
Trump was wiping tears from his eyes.
“…and that he was put in a sealed tomb. Three days later, it was discovered that the rock closing the tomb was moved, and the body was gone,” Huckabee Sanders said.
Trump knew what this meant, too.
“Someone stole his body? Makes sense. Prolly worth a lot of money on the Obama market,” Trump said with confidence.
Press Secretary Huckabee Sanders sighed.
“No, sir, our Bible tells us Jesus rose from the dead, lived another few days, and then eventually was called to heaven where he ascended directly to,” Huckabee explained.
Trump couldn’t contain his laughter anymore.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You guys really believe all that stuff? Er, I mean, we, we, WE as good, clean, American Christian Patriots believe all that bullshit,” Trump asked with a mixture of mocking and disbelief in his voice.
His press secretary just nodded in the affirmative.
“Hmm. No. We’re not gonna do that anymore, okay? Zombies don’t deserve more birthdays than presidents, Sarah,” Trump said.
The president lifted his leg and farted.
“And also, stop farting all the time. You fart so much. You’re always farting Sarah. And I’m tired of you farting and making it sound and smell like it came from my septugenarian, wrinkly, butt hole,” Trump said. “From now on, we celebrate my birthday on the day I was born, and on Easter. You got it?”
Huckabee Sanders’ soulless yes blinked once. She agreed and told her boss she’d get the press release ready “right away.”
“Good, good. Sarah, I really appreciate your willingness to make yourself an utterly worthles husk of a woman, totally bereft of any morals of your own,” Trump said, patting her on the head before farting again. “But, realy, you gotta stop farting so much, Sarah. So gross.”