IDIOTIC FUCKFACE, TEXAS — Deep in the heart of Texas, right-wing media mogul and provocateur Alex Jones is still pumping out his daily brand of acerbic, reality-deprived rants against chemtrails turning frogs gay, the deep state conspiracy to have Trump impeached by letting him win the election and destroy the pillars of American democracy first, and the insidious liberal agenda of “letting people live their lives outside a religious theocracy.”
It’s just that now, thanks to Apple, Spotify, and Facebook booting Jones and his company, InfoWars, off their platforms, his material is only available at the WalMart he works as a checker at, and so you’ll have to catch him during one of his shifts there to get it from him.
“HEY! HEY YOU! TAKE THIS! TAKE THIS,” Jones seen recently shouting at a customer he was ringing up. “DON’T YOU FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE LIBTARDS TEACHING YOUR KIDS THERE ARE SEVENTEEN SQUINTILLION SEXES AND MEXICANS ARE OUR FRIENDS?!
The customer just paid for their items and walked away. Another customer came through Jone’s checking lane, and he tried to hand her a KKK pamphlet.
“HEY! I KNOW YOU’RE A FEMALE, BUT YOU PROLLY HAVE SOME BRAINS IN YOUR HEADS, JUST NOT AS GOODER AS MAN HAS,” Jones screamed at the top of his lungs. “THEY TOOK MY SHIT AWAY, BUT IF YOU TAKE THIS HERE KKK PAMPHLET, YOU’LL GET THE SAME EFFECT AS MY SHOWS. THOUGH IN FAIRNESS YOU’LL BE EXPOSED TO THE N-WORD A LOT LESS.”
That customer walked away, and told the manager on duty that Jones was attempting to give her racist materials. Jones was given a talking to, but Texas law prohibits a “good, clean, ammo hoarding, God fearing, gun toting, red meat eating and/or fucking patriot” from being fired for anything remotely to do with racism. So, instead Jones was given a promotion and will be working a few more hours a week, management has informed us.
“HEY MOTHERFUCKER! TAKE THIS HORNY BULL SEMEN PILL! IT WILL UN-CUCK YOU AND RED PILL YOU TO THE WAYS OF THE EVIL LIBERALS,” Jones was heard shouting recently at a customer buying a pack of gum.
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.