RUBEVILLE, ARIZONA — This week Cyber Ninjas, the company hired by the Arizona Republican Party to audit the 2020 election, posted an explosive new report of the data they’ve collect so far. The report contains dozens of new allegations of “irregularities, fraud, and generally hurting MAGA feelings,” but one accusation in particular is sure to raise some eyebrows.
“It is our opinion that the evidence we conjured up points to one damning and extremely concerning conclusion,” Cyber Ninja’s report reads, “and that’s the unavoidable fact that Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles worked to undermine Arizona’s election last year.”
Cyber Ninja further alleges that Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s balls participated in a scheme to remove in Arizona cast for Trump. Then, Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s balls would re-add those votes to Joe Biden’s tally. Though Cyber Ninjas did not publish the proof for their allegations at this time, they promised to “at some point, probably, maybe, who knows when though.”
“When an election robs good, clean, ammo-hoarding, God fearing, pro-MAGA American patriots of what they had their hearts and emotional well-beings centered around,” Cyber Ninja declares, “that is a crime that requires accusation first, followed by immediate, pre-emptive punishment , and then when all the smoke is cleared, the liberal socialist Marxist Antifa cancel culture social justice warriors have been removed from office, and Christ is back in our schools, the investigation can be undertaken, and evidence can either be found or manufactured.”
In a statement, Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s balls denied all the allegations levied against them.
“This is nuts. Okay? This is pure and simple, plain and true, no doubt about it, super-dupe-rhardcore nuts,” Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s balls lawyer read the statement to reporters. “The balls of these people to accuse me of doing any of this? Well, that takes balls. Not the good kinda balls though. The bad kinda balls. Those balls give good balls like us a bad name.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.