Responding to Backlash, There Will Soon Be an Inbred, Anti-Vaxxer White M&M

McLEAN, VIRGINIA — When executives at Mars, Incorporated approved updates to anthropomorphized human M&M mascots, they likely could not have predicted the amount of angry backlash among certain segments of the American population.

Just hours after news broke about the changes to their character designs, right-wing media had churned out editorials and rage-bait pieces lambasting Mars for agreeing to make them in the first place. People like Tucker Carlson, Laura Ingraham, and Sean Hannity registered their extreme displeasure. Whether not the onslaught of complaints from the conservative media ecosphere had any impact, this morning Mars announced some additional changes to their lineup of corporate mascots.

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Starting next week, there will be a new white M&M, which Mars is hoping will portray the company in as “unbiased and neutral stance possible,” according to a press release accompanying the updates.

Printed below is a relevant excerpt from the press release.

As a candy company, we have always tried to keep ourselves as far away from political strife and debate as possible. We hope that Americans of all walks of life enjoy our many assorted M&M varieties. We had no intention of hurting anyone’s little snowflake feelings when we decided to change up the way the Green M&M is portrayed, and we had no idea how many Americans apparently have the hots for and want to bang our cartoon M&M characters. If we had known, we would have given everyone a lot more advanced warning.

That all being said, because we want to stay as unbiased and neutral as possible, we have decided to add one more character to our mascot lineup. The White M&M, which will make his debut in a smart red baseball cap and carrying a Tiki torch, will be anti-vaccine, anti-mask, anti-democracy, and pro-incest. The White M&M will also have the uncanny ability to make everything about himself, even when he’s not even part of the conversation.

The White M&M will be the first M&M to have only white chocolate on the inside.

Mars, Incorporated is committed to being inclusive to all our loyal customers. Even mouth-breathing, cousin-lusting ones.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.