Ben Shapiro Admits He Gets a Little Bigger Kick out of Owning the Black Libs

THE MERRY OLD RED STATE OF OZABAMA — Right-wing alleged intellectual Ben Shapiro is no stranger to the concept of “owning the libs.”

Though he stands just a couple of feet high, Shapiro prides himself on not ever being dwarfed by any leftist in a debate. Shapiro’s shows — which are mostly him in front of a green screen speaking to his laptop — are considered some of the most important conservative media of our time, and they’re often chopped up into smaller segments and given titles that suggest their content is just one more example of his “owning” liberals, which is to say forever winning a debate on a subject with a liberal.

“What can I say? I’m just really good at debating what I think liberals are saying and stand for, instead of what they actually say and stand for,” Shapiro once told Lollipop Guild Weekly in a 2017 interview. “I just have a God-given talent for pabulum and sophistry at breakneck speeds, you know? It’s like, when liberals literally stand for corner baby killer markets right next to the dry cleaners and the sub sandwich joint, I just gotta tell it like it is and cite some obscure footnote in the Federalist papers for why we have to live like it’s still the 18th century.”

Today, during his podcast, Shapiro spoke a bit about the meme of his owning liberals, and said he enjoys “being known as the smartest guy among the people who thought Donald Trump was a principled, successful businessman.” However, Shapiro also admitted that there are some subgroups of liberals that are “more fun” to own than others.

“Look, it’s not my fault that I was born brave enough and smart enough to tell every commie-liberal-Sharia defending America hating baby killer Democrat that their desire to have marginal tax rates be high enough so that basic human needs can be met is cuckery,” Shapiro started, “I’m just the guy who’s the best at it. And I won’t lie. It feels really good to own liberals. It’s fun. It’s more fun to own the black libs, of course, but I digress.”

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Shapiro, perhaps sensing there could be some controversy with a comment like that, explained himself.

“Oh, don’t get it twisted. I’m not pro-slavery. Sure, I’m not in favor of collective bargaining, and I literally loathe and despise the working class, and I would 100% be okay with no minimum wage and voluntary slave labor,” Shapiro said in one, long breath, “but I’m not racist, even though I take literal delight in the details of the Trayvon Martin killing and seem to find new ways to imply that black people are more criminal and poor by default. I’m just saying that owning black libs takes me back to the roots of true archconservatism, that’s all.”

Mr. Shapiro brushed off any criticism he might get.

“If you don’t understand that I’m defending the tradition of owning black liberals, not advocating for that, even though, again, if they willingly signed-up for it I would totally own a couple so I could get more done around the house on the weekends,” Shapiro said, “then I can’t help you. BOOM. ROASTED.”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.