Biden Shuts Down Federal Research Into Windmill Cancer Vaccine

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government will no longer be researching a windmill cancer vaccine, thanks to a new executive order signed by President Joe Biden this morning.

“Hey, Jack, I’m all for research. I love research. Research and I are old pals, we go way, way back, research and I,” President Biden explained from behind a face mask in the Oval Office today. “However, as much as I hate cancer, I don’t think it’s a wise expenditure at this time to devote so much of our treasure to researching that particular vaccine. Call me crazy, but I think we should be focusing on real diseases, not made-up ones.”

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Biden did say, however, his order was simply to stop the federal funding of windmill cancer vaccine research. Private companies are still “free to waste money however they choose.”

“But the days of placating a blustering game show host’s ego with taxpayer dollars are over, as of right now,” Biden said. “Show me the data, Bub. Prove to me windmill cancer is an emergency we need to prioritize over covid, Squirt, and I’ll back your play. I haven’t seen that data yet, though, and until I do, we need to focus all our resources on non-fictional illnesses.”

Biden ran on a campaign of rolling back many of the moves and policy decisions made by the previous administration. As such, it’s not been much a surprise that President Biden has signed around two dozen executive orders to do exactly that and and address the coronavirus pandemic. Yesterday, Biden announced that he would very likely be ending the presidential tradition of eclipse watching.

“Well, I know the last guy who occupied this office did things his way, and I understand that often his way meant doing things the way people with only half a brain lobe would do,” President Biden told reporters as he walked up to the White House door for the first time in four years, “and while I don’t know that we’ll end every tradition of his, but it’s not likely that I’ll be staring directly into the sun any time soon.” (NotReally.News)

President Biden expects to sign several more executive orders to reverse his predecessor’s policies for a few more days or weeks to come.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.