WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General William Barr said in a radio interview today that he believes it “sets a dangerous precedent” to let non-white people who don’t own any land to vote, particularly if they end up voting against President Donald J. Trump in next year’s election.
“First of all, everyone knows I believe in the unitary power of the presidency, and I believe that as president Mr. Trump could simply cancel the elections and declare himself the permanent president,” Barr said, “because you know, national security, or whatever. But let’s just say he deigns to let the plebs have a vote, I still think non-whites who don’t own land voting sets a dangerous precedent of self-governance.”
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Mr. Barr said there is a “high chance of people voting like cucks” if the general public is allowed to cast their ballots next year.
“What happens if they make the stupid mistake of thinking just because someone tries to pressure a foreign government into digging up dirt on their political opponent, which is illegal as hell,” Barr asked, “they decide that means Trump shouldn’t be president anymore? Could America ever recover from that?”
In recent weeks, Barr has made speeches and given interviews in which he lambasts political resistance against the Trump administration. As the top lawyer in the country, it has raised several eyebrows and alarms for his critics, who say he is callously ignoring the Constitution. Barr batted those critiques away during his interview this morning.
“I admire the Constitution,” Barr insisted. “I admire it so much, in fact, that I want to return it to its original intent and meaning. That, of course, would mean we have to start only counting black people as three-fifths human being, women, and brown people should not be allowed to vote, and we can just do away with all those reconstruction amendments. I mean, really, do we need the 13th Amendment? Shouldn’t people be allowed to volunteer for slavery if they want, in a truly free society?”
Attorney General Barr told the conservative talk radio host that “clearly the people cannot be trusted” if Trump cannot win the popular vote. Barr said that the founders “very obviously knew the only way to keep America free was to prevent people from voting if you think they’re not going to vote the way you want them to.”
“And of course by ‘you,’ I mean we Christo-Taliban conservatives,” Barr said. “If we hardcore religious conservatives don’t trust them, why should we let anyone vote. Particularly, look at what’s happened since women got the right to vote in the early 20th century. There have been a scary number of non-white presidents elected. A truly HORRIFYING number. Also, think of all the godless, amoral, liberals elected since the 19th amendment.”
Barr reiterated his belief that Trump is “essentially a God” while he is president, and is “at the very least adjacent to the law, but very probably way, way, way above it.”
“At the end of the day, though, I have to restate it — the president is, essentially, a God,” Barr said. “It’s not in the Constitution, but it’s in my heart. It’s in my soul. He can do whatever he wants, because the president is a Republican. Let me make it clear — Republican presidents are Gods. End of story.”
Before ending the interview, Mr. Barr told the host there are a “whole host of changes” Americans need to make in order to “ensure their government stays in the hands of people who don’t acknowledge the 20th or 21st centuries.”
“Let me just say this, though, Skip,” Barr began, “as much as I believe in the original text and intent of the Constitution, none of the founders were Republicans, and that means none of them are perfect. So, in my mind that means we could stand to make a whole host of changes to the Constitution to make it better. Let’s take out the First Amendment. Who needs freedom of expression and religion when instead we can make Christianity the state religion and ‘All Hail God Emperor Trump’ the only thing you’re allowed to legally say in public? Clearly freedom and independence mean nothing unless you do them exactly the way American Christian conservatives want you to do them.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.