At Brian Kilmeade’s Suggestion, U.S. Disbands Its Military

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a fast-moving, and perhaps quite shocking turn of events, the United States has just announced that it is permanently closing down every branch of its armed forces. Lisa McMurphy, an official spokesperson at the Pentagon, told reporters at a hastily thrown together press briefing that the decision was made “at the suggestion of one of the country’s most important and trusted constitutional scholars.”

“When Professor Brian Kilmeade of the Trump University Law School told everyone on Fox & Friends this morning that isn’t the government’s job to protect anybody, it really made a few lightbulbs go off around here,” McMurphy explained. “He seemed so confident in his declaration, and he has such a sterling reputation as a constitutional scholar, that we didn’t bother fact checking his claims. We just decided to shut the whole military down.”


Kilmeade blasted the Biden administration this morning for its attempts to do outreach and convince Americans to get a COVID-19 vaccine if they haven’t already. The right-wing media ecosphere has been quite in a lather after the White House announced it was asking volunteers in vaccine-adverse areas to knock on doors and make contact with people, asking if they’ve been vaccinated, and sharing data with them about the vaccines if they have not been. Kilmeade and others have called the volunteer vaccine outreach a tyrannical outreach of an out of control government.

During this morning’s episode of his morning Fox News program, Kimeade again complained about the vaccine outreach volunteers.

Kilmeade’s assertion that the government shouldn’t be protecting any Americans “directly contradicts the core mission” of the U.S. military, McMurphy said. The Pentagon had no choice, she said, but to disband the military.

“Initially, we thought the Constitution’s preamble, which speaks directly to promoting the general welfare and ensuring domestic tranquility, would give us permission to protect Americans,” McMurphy said, “but clearly Professor Kilmeade knows something we don’t, and so the decision was made rather quickly to end the entire military.”

It’s unclear at this time who will be responsible for protecting the United States from attacks from outside the country, nor who will be taking care of domestic security, either. The states all have national guards, but the primary job of keeping the borders safe from military incursion has been that the military’s for decades. Reached for comment, Kilmeade said that he is “pleased” the military took his words to heart, and he said this week he’ll “make the case” for more changes to American life.

“I think we should take a good, hard look at our police and firefighters,” Kilmeade told us. “I mean, they’re making the same mistake the military was making. So it’s probably time for our cops and firefighters to take their cue from the military and disband.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.