Trump: David Dennison Emailed John Barron to Have Individual-1 Direct President of Puerto Rico to Tell Cohen to Commit Perjury, Not Him

WASHINGTON. D.C. — In an unforeseen and potentially earth shattering development, President Donald Trump has acknowledged that at least some facts in the disputed bombshell Buzzfeed News report that FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigators learned President Donald Trump directed his former personal attorney, Michael Cohen, to lie during congressional testimony.

President Donald Trump directed his longtime attorney Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about negotiations to build a Trump Tower in Moscow, according to two federal law enforcement officials involved in an investigation of the matter.

Trump also supported a plan, set up by Cohen, to visit Russia during the presidential campaign, in order to personally meet President Vladimir Putin and jump-start the tower negotiations. “Make it happen,” the sources said Trump told Cohen.

Initially, Buzzfeed News’ reporting raised serious doubts about Trump’s repeated denials that he — and anyone else in his campaign — had any business dealings or contacts with Russia or Russian operatives during the 2016 presidential election. However, after several lawmakers on the Hill started using the report as the basis to push for Trump’s impeachment, Mueller’s office shocked perhaps the entire world by breaking what has been their practice and commenting on the story.

BuzzFeed’s description of specific statements to the Special Counsel’s Office, and characterization of documents and testimony obtained by this office, regarding Michael Cohen’s Congressional testimony are not accurate. (TPM)

Yesterday morning Trump attempted to cast doubt on Buzzfeed’s report via Twitter. Trump insinuated that Cohen can’t be trusted because he pleaded guilty to lying to Congress.

By this afternoon, however, Trump had dramatically changed his tune. Speaking to reporters from Breitbart, InfoWars, Dan Bongino’s Cancer Infested Website, and Alex Jones (who is now just shoving his manifesto into pedestrians’ faces around his hometown), Trump acknowledged that at least partial details in the Buzzfeed News article are factual.

“I know I’ve mostly called Bob Mueller a piece of shit, and have cast doubt on his entire investigation for months, but this one time, I totally believe him,” Trump told the reporters. “However, in the interest of being fully trans-am, er I mean transnational, er I mean tarantula, er I mean OPEN, with the American people, I have to come clean and say that the Buzzfeed story does have some merit. Someone told that Mikey Co-ham guy, whoever that is, never heard of him, really, to lie to Congress, but it wasn’t me.”

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The right-wing reporters in the room gasped. One vomited in the corner. Another just started crying. The president moved quickly to soothe their concerns.

“Chill out, guys. It wasn’t me,” Trump said.

The reporters breathed a sigh of relief, and two of them did a Nazi salute at the same time, resulting in an awkward high-five.

“It was the President of Puerto Rico,” Trump said. “Well, technically it was Individual-1 who told the President of Puerto Rico to tell Co-Ham to lie. Wait, hold on. Now that I think about it more, it was John Barron who directed Individual-1 to tell the Puerto Rican president to tell Co-Ham to lie.”

Trump farted suddenly.

“Oh! Wait! That made me remember something else,” Trump said, referencing his fart. “It was actually David Dennison who emailed John Barron and had him call Individual-1 who then used the Kushner Back Channel to get through to the President of Puerto Rico, who then told Mickey Co-Ham to lie. Get it? Got it? Good.”

This is a developing story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.