MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — While residents of his home state of Texas struggle to keep warm among a crisis of energy production and climate change, Senator Ted Cruz (Q-TX) took himself and his family out of the United States, down to Cancun, Mexico last night. This morning, the Mexican government sent an urgent communique to the people of Texas, and also to the United States Senate. The Mexican government offered to foot the bill and send Cruz back, but not to Texas, or even to Washington D.C.
Mexico offered to pay to send Cruz back to where he was born.
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“Senator Cruz was born in Calgary, Canada. While most decent human beings don’t care where someone was born,” Mexico’s letter states, “people like Teddy surely do. And people who vote for him apparently really care about such things. Therefore, we believe we’d be helping both Ted and his base align themselves more fully with their own, stated ideological beliefs, if we pay to send him back to Canada.”
Colleague Paul Steinhauser confirms GOP TX Sen Ted Cruz traveled to Cancun amid the TX storm/power outages. GOP Source: “the photos speak for themselves”
— Chad Pergram (@ChadPergram) February 18, 2021
Within moments of receiving Mexico’s offer, both the State of Texas and the U.S. Senate quickly agreed to the terms of the proposal. However, just as quickly as that happened, a wrench was thrown into the mix. Canada sent back its own urgent communique.
“Esteemed friends and neighbors,” Canada’s own letter reads, “NO! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THIS IS HOLY, NO! We don’t want him! You can keep him. If we didn’t want him before, what makes anyone think we’d want him now? We don’t, typically, as a rule, import diarrhea into Canada.”
Reached for comment, Cruz offered no apologies for flying to Cancun in the middle of a pandemic and while many thousands of people in his home state were without power and heat.
“Fuck them. Super duper fuck them. Why would I start caring about them now,” Cruz asked rhetorically on Fox News. “I do what I want. Suck it, fucks.”
As of the time of publication, Mexico, the United States, and Canada had yet to determine where to dump Cruz. This story will be updated when and if that decision is made.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.