Gaetz Leaving Congress to Become Dean of Emissions at Liberty University

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Embattled Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) has decided it’s time to end his political career, according to several sources with knowledge of his future plans. Gaetz will soon resign his House seat and work in the private sector, becoming the Dean of Emissions at Liberty University. “Matt has always been a champion of,… Continue reading Gaetz Leaving Congress to Become Dean of Emissions at Liberty University

Son Called CPS Because Parents Were Watching Tucker Carlson

This week, sister publication The Political Garbage Chute reported on quite a noteworthy event. In a small Georgia town, a boy called Child Protective Services. This in and of itself might not be something a news outlet as famous, prestigious, and trustworthy as PGC would publish a story about; however, the reasoning behind the kid’s decision to turn his… Continue reading Son Called CPS Because Parents Were Watching Tucker Carlson

President Acknowledges He Had to Buy His Sons’ Way Into Trump University

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last year, America was rocked by a scandal involving a few dozen highly-connected, wealthy parents essentially bribing college officials into admitting their children. Two of the biggest names involved are actresses Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin, who were both arrested in connection with the FBI sting operation. The president’s third-smartest son, Donald… Continue reading President Acknowledges He Had to Buy His Sons’ Way Into Trump University

DeVos To Strip 4.5 Billion Years Of Earth’s History From School Curriculum

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Education Secretary Betsy DeVos announced today that next school year will feature drastically revised history texts for all school grades. At a luncheon being held at a D.C. area school for corporate backers of charter schools, DeVos announced that all history books will contain only the information that can also be found… Continue reading DeVos To Strip 4.5 Billion Years Of Earth’s History From School Curriculum

Burnett and Trump Teaming Up Again on “The Apprentice: Outhouse”

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA — Before he was the most powerful man in the free world, President Donald Trump was a reality-TV star.  Some might find it shocking and quite surprising that none of the preceding 44 men to hold the office were on reality-TV shows, however historians have confirmed it a handful of times. There is… Continue reading Burnett and Trump Teaming Up Again on “The Apprentice: Outhouse”

Donald Trump Jr. Will Attend Classes at Electoral College to ‘Become an Electrician’

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The president’s third smartest son announced today that he was “going back to school to learn a new trade.” Speaking to reporters, Donald Trump Jr. divulged that he had recently tried to enroll at the Electoral College because after doing some soul searching, he figured out he wanted to be… Continue reading Donald Trump Jr. Will Attend Classes at Electoral College to ‘Become an Electrician’

Lahren: “Mermaids Are White, Just Like Santa and Jesus!”

LA CULERA RUBIA ARRUGADA, CALIFORNIA — Fox News contributing racist muppet Timothy Lahren railed against Disney’s decision to cast a female of color in the central role of the upcoming live-action remake of 1989’s animated classic, “The Little Mermaid,” today.  Speaking on a conservative talk radio show, Ms. Limpbiskit told the show’s host she thinks… Continue reading Lahren: “Mermaids Are White, Just Like Santa and Jesus!”

Alabama GOP Demands “Arthur” Air Episode Where He Marries His Sister

BAISEURS DE COUSIN EN ARRIÉRE PARISH, ALABAMA — On May 13th, 2019, PBS aired the season premiere of “Arthur,” a long-running children’s animated program based on the books by author Marc Brown. The episode’s plot involved Arthur, the titular aardvark protagonist attending the same-sex wedding of his third grade teacher Mr. Ratburn to a chocolatier… Continue reading Alabama GOP Demands “Arthur” Air Episode Where He Marries His Sister

Expectant Alabama Mother Will Go Back and Finish Middle School Once Her Kids Are Out of the House

NOVIA NIÑA CREEK, ALABAMA — Life isn’t always easy for Crystal Shanahan these days, but then again she knew that things could get harder before they got easier when she found out shew as going to be a mother for the first time. Crystal says that between managing the prenatal appointments and getting her home… Continue reading Expectant Alabama Mother Will Go Back and Finish Middle School Once Her Kids Are Out of the House