Doctors Renamed a Vicious Form of Bowel Cancer After a Current Member of Congress

The National Board of Naming Medical Things convened this week and afterward issued its annual report, resulting in one of the world’s most deadly forms of cancer being renamed for a sitting member of congress. Each year, the NBNMT meets and discusses whether or not anything medical-related should be renamed for the upcoming calendar year.… Continue reading Doctors Renamed a Vicious Form of Bowel Cancer After a Current Member of Congress

Fauci: “Cruz Has the Same Punchablefaceitis That Rand Paul’s Neighbor Diagnosed Him With”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Ted Cruz and Sen. Rand Paul share something other than a membership to a political party that views counting votes as cheating. According to Dr. Anthony Fauci, both senators also suffer from the same medical malady. Fauci’s diagnosis of Cruz came after the Texas-by-Way-of-Harvard-by-Way-of-Canada Republican joined with Paul to attack the… Continue reading Fauci: “Cruz Has the Same Punchablefaceitis That Rand Paul’s Neighbor Diagnosed Him With”

Satan Offers to Send Emerald Robinson to Med School

HELL — NewsMax reporter and chief White House correspondent Emerald Robinson was permanently banned from Twitter this week after she repeatedly shared false information about COVID-19 vaccines containing Satanic chemicals. Robinson claimed that the vaccines developed to fight off COVID were made with chemicals, one called “LUCIFERASE,”  engineered by the devil and would make people… Continue reading Satan Offers to Send Emerald Robinson to Med School

Greene’s Vet Begs Her Not to Take COVID Vaccine for Heartworms

EQUINE HILLS, GEORGIA — Freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) was forced to see her longtime doctor this weekend, after reporting symptoms of heartworms. Dr. Michael McDonald, who has been treating Greene since she was a young pony, diagnosed her almost immediately, but sources say that some unforeseen tension between the veterinarian and his longtime… Continue reading Greene’s Vet Begs Her Not to Take COVID Vaccine for Heartworms

African Farmer Will Trade MAGAs His Livestock Drugs for COVID Vaccines

SUDAN — Amani Mahmoud and his family have been farming in Sudan for generations, and he is quite proud of that heritage. Recently, Amani made headlines when he decided to offer Americans who, in his words, are, “pro-MAGA and anti-science and common sense” a trade. “I will give you, the MAGAs, some of the drugs… Continue reading African Farmer Will Trade MAGAs His Livestock Drugs for COVID Vaccines

DeSantis Signs Order Making It Illegal to Care About COVID Within Florida State Lines

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH — Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) had a unique idea to help his state emerge once and for all from the COVID-19 global pandemic. Namely, DeSantis decided to legally prohibit caring about the disease while anywhere within the state boundaries. “As much as I love President Donald Trump, and make no mistake I love… Continue reading DeSantis Signs Order Making It Illegal to Care About COVID Within Florida State Lines

Fauci Says Rand Paul’s Brain ‘Could Stand to Gain a Little Function’

The war of words and ill-will between one of the country’s foremost immunologists and a guy who had to self-certify as an eye doctor is heating up again. Yesterday, Dr. Anthony Fauci and Sen. Rand Paul (Q-KY) got into another row during a Senate hearing, accusing each other of lying. Fauci, who has been quite… Continue reading Fauci Says Rand Paul’s Brain ‘Could Stand to Gain a Little Function’

CDC: There Is No Vapid Moron Vaccine and Avoid Contact With Tomi Lahren Until There Is

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The Centers for Disease Control is urging every American to avoid contact with what they’re calling a “particularly pernicious virus” that they say has the ability to cause severe brain damage if exposed to it for too long. “The CDC reminds every single American that at this point in time, we have… Continue reading CDC: There Is No Vapid Moron Vaccine and Avoid Contact With Tomi Lahren Until There Is

Volunteer Grandma Tyrannically Knocks on Door to Ask Patriot If He’s Gotten a COVID Vaccine Yet

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Authorities are telling media outlets that after a tense standoff, an older woman described some interested parties as “sinister, evil, and clearly socialist” has been chased away from a local man’s residence. The woman, 64-year-old grandmother of eight Helen Wright, is a volunteer tasked by the Biden administration with knocking… Continue reading Volunteer Grandma Tyrannically Knocks on Door to Ask Patriot If He’s Gotten a COVID Vaccine Yet

Greene: “Why’s Everyone So Afraid of the Delta Variant When They Can Still Fly United?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Freshman Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) is a mask and vaccine skeptic. Ms. Greene has not publicly divulged whether she’s taken a COVID-19 vaccine, but she has consistently cast doubt on the efficacy of masks in the prevention of the spread of the novel coronavirus. Today, during a press conference with fellow… Continue reading Greene: “Why’s Everyone So Afraid of the Delta Variant When They Can Still Fly United?”