I’m in Florida. My Cousin’s in Tennessee. We’re Moving to TX to Protect Our Baby From Groomers.

The following editorial was submitted by Eddie Pesghetti, a 35 year old resident of Lake Shitass, Florida. The views and opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Pesghetti, and only those of Mr. Pesghetti. They do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of this outlet, its ownership, or staff. MORE: Stable Hands Confirm Marjorie… Continue reading I’m in Florida. My Cousin’s in Tennessee. We’re Moving to TX to Protect Our Baby From Groomers.

All His Past Lovers Can’t Believe Don Trump’s Dong Was Big Enough to Block January 6th Commission

“I mean, just based on the VERY SMALL amount of time I spent with him, you know, intimately, I would say I’m quite shocked it was that big,” one past lover of former President Donald Trump told us during a Zoom call with several other women he’s slept with. “I wouldn’t think his dong would… Continue reading All His Past Lovers Can’t Believe Don Trump’s Dong Was Big Enough to Block January 6th Commission

Trump Consoles Himself By Looking Forward to Less Time With ‘Homewrecker’ Jared Kushner

This story first appeared on¬†Alternative Facts. WASHINGTON, D.C. — To say that President Donald Trump has given “mixed signals” about whether or not he accepts the results of last month’s defeat he suffered at the hands of President-elect Joe Biden since states and the Electoral College certified them would be quite an understatement. Trump has… Continue reading Trump Consoles Himself By Looking Forward to Less Time With ‘Homewrecker’ Jared Kushner

Quarantine Panic! Man Already Masturbated to Everything on Pornhub That Doesn’t Involve Incest

STROHK LAKE, CALIFORNIA — “Wait. Son of a bitch! I’ve gone in a circle jerk!” John Puhdzingert’s roommate recalls that the words, in her words, “rang out like a shot in the night.” Confined to their three-bedroom apartment in a small Los Angeles county suburb, she, John, and their six other roommates have been sheltering… Continue reading Quarantine Panic! Man Already Masturbated to Everything on Pornhub That Doesn’t Involve Incest

Participants Agree Zoom Orgy Only 30% Less Creepy Than In-Person One

Participants in an orgy via the group video chat app “Zoom” told our reporter afterward that it was only about 30% less creepy to be in a tele-orgy than it is to be in one in-person. Due to the social distancing guidelines still in effect while the planet combats a pandemic outbreak of the novel… Continue reading Participants Agree Zoom Orgy Only 30% Less Creepy Than In-Person One

Local Couple: Sex Was Really Good Until Husband Got Involved

DISAPPOINTMENT GULCH, ARIZONA — In an interview with Couples Weekly, Tabitha and Mick Garrison — married since August 2002 — said that their recent sexual activity with one another was going, according to Tabatha, “really, really well,” but then took a disastrous turn when “Mick got involved.” “Everything was going pretty smoothly, really, until Mick… Continue reading Local Couple: Sex Was Really Good Until Husband Got Involved

Alabama Republicans Propose New State Miscarriage Investigation Unit

STONEWALL COUNTY, ALABAMA — Just a couple of weeks after Alabama’s governor signed a sweeping, abortion ban into law, Republican legislators in her state have proposed an amendment to the law that would earmark $15 million to create a new law enforcement task force whose singular goal would be to investigate every reported miscarriage in… Continue reading Alabama Republicans Propose New State Miscarriage Investigation Unit

Alabama Celebrates First Fetal Wedding

RIO SIN DIENTES, ALABAMA — In a sleepy Alabama town, preparations are underway for a truly momentous and perhaps historic event — a man and a fetus will be wed this weekend.  Jasper McCoy, 32-years-old and a devout born again Christian, will marry an as of yet unnamed fetus at First Southern Bapist of Sin… Continue reading Alabama Celebrates First Fetal Wedding

Former Cellmate to Auction George Zimmerman’s Prison Dildo

DYLAN, FLORIDA — Though he’s a free man now, for several months George Zimmerman was in jail while he stood trial for killing Trayvon Martin. One of the men who spent time in the same cell as Zimmerman will auction what he calls a “prison dildo” the two shared. “I was inspired by seeing George put… Continue reading Former Cellmate to Auction George Zimmerman’s Prison Dildo

The 15 Cute Nicknames My Wife Insists I Use For Her P_ _sy

I have a wife, and we are both forward thinking, progressive individuals. Not only did she keep her last name when we got married, I gave up my last name…and my first name! In fact, I gave up my entire identity when we got hitched. In addition, as part of our iron-clad prenuptial agreement I… Continue reading The 15 Cute Nicknames My Wife Insists I Use For Her P_ _sy