DeSantis Warns Disney That Donald Duck ‘Better Put Some Pants On’ Around Younger Park Guests

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis (Q) is not going to stop his feud with The Walt Disney Company any time soon. At least, that appears to be the case as the governor just fired another warning shot across the Magic Kingdom’s bow. Speaking at a press conference held in front of a burning cross, DeSantis blasted… Continue reading DeSantis Warns Disney That Donald Duck ‘Better Put Some Pants On’ Around Younger Park Guests

A Second Grader Asked DeSantis Where Babies Come From. He Had Her Arrested.

This morning, while visiting an elementary school in Northern Florida, Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q) was asked by a precocious, some would even say adorable second grader. The young girl walked up to the governor and tugged at his jacket. DeSantis turned around and regarded the second grader with a smile. “Governor DeSantis, where do babies… Continue reading A Second Grader Asked DeSantis Where Babies Come From. He Had Her Arrested.

Florida Nun Unsure If She’ll Be Arrested After Teaching Students About the Immaculate Conception

“It’s tough for me to know, legally speaking, if discussing statutory rape is kosher with the new law.” – Sister Mary Jane Yummipants For the last twenty-eight years, Sister Mary Jane Yummipants has taught second grade at St. Joseph’s of the Sacred Sexual Predator Catholic School in Lake Stinknuts, Florida. Each of those years, Sister… Continue reading Florida Nun Unsure If She’ll Be Arrested After Teaching Students About the Immaculate Conception

Princess Celestia Declares Ivermectin Shortage in the Pony Realm

CANTERLOT, EQUESTRIA —  In an early morning press release issued today, Head of State Princess Celestia congratulated Big Bird on their recent vaccination. “We celebrate Big Birds decision to receive the newly approved Pfizer vaccine and hope all mythical creatures near and far, from Sesame Street to the Kingdom of Caring, take advantage of their… Continue reading Princess Celestia Declares Ivermectin Shortage in the Pony Realm

Irony: He Took Preventative Ivermectin. COVID Kept Him From a Hospital Bed After a Heart Attack.

BUBONIC FALLS, IDAHO — 56-year-old Peter Peterson is in dire trouble, and it appears that he could be living his last moments on Earth, despite “taking every MAGA-approved precaution” he could think of. “In the last couple of weeks, I lost count of how much ivermectin I’ve taken. I decided that if it works when… Continue reading Irony: He Took Preventative Ivermectin. COVID Kept Him From a Hospital Bed After a Heart Attack.

Texas Man’s Jizz Sock Reports Him to Abortion Tip Line

CARGA DE BOLAS, TEAXS –When Gov. Greg Abbott signed Texas’ new draconian abortion restriction into law last week, it’s not very likely that he could have foreseen a case like this one. “Look, did I wanna report Chuck? Of course not. Chuck and me, well Chuck’s cock and me anyway, we go way, way back,”… Continue reading Texas Man’s Jizz Sock Reports Him to Abortion Tip Line

Man Wants Statue ‘Dedicated to Another Traitor Who Lost’ After Robert E. Lee’s Removal

RICHMOND, VIRGINIA — After 131 years, a monument to General Robert E. Lee, who led forces against the United States during the Civil War, has been removed from the former confederate capitol. Lee’s former plantation, in Arlington, was claimed from his family in the aftermath of the Civil War and turned into a national cemetery.… Continue reading Man Wants Statue ‘Dedicated to Another Traitor Who Lost’ After Robert E. Lee’s Removal

Palm Beach Burger King Cook ‘Wouldn’t Bet’ on Trump Winning in 2024

PALM BEACH, FLORIDUH — Juan Miguel Vincente, 32, has been working at the Burger King franchise just down the street from his home for the past three years. He says he’ll never forget the first time he met a rather famous regular patron of his restaurant. “You never forget the first time you meet a… Continue reading Palm Beach Burger King Cook ‘Wouldn’t Bet’ on Trump Winning in 2024

Gov. Signs Law Forcing FBI to Give Every Missourian a Semiautomatic Rifle

JEFFERSON CITY, MISSOURI — Governor Mike Parson (Q) just signed a bill into law that requires the Federal Bureau of Investigations to offer a free semiautomatic rifle to every resident of the Show Me State. The FBI has been given six weeks to comply, or the Missouri State Attorney General has signaled his intent to… Continue reading Gov. Signs Law Forcing FBI to Give Every Missourian a Semiautomatic Rifle

Man Says He Would Not Have Pissed on McConnell Had He ‘Known Mitch Was On Fire’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the time of publication, both Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-KY) is, according to medical professionals on site “stable and doing as well as can be expected” after spontaneously combusting. Reports are that, Darrell Dikchest, a 41 year old man from the D.C. area, has also been released from custody after… Continue reading Man Says He Would Not Have Pissed on McConnell Had He ‘Known Mitch Was On Fire’