In Potential Fight Between Putin and Musk, Most Rooting for Simultaneous Spontaneous Combustion

This week, billionaire and terminally online Twitter troll Elon Musk challenged Russian autocrat Vlad Putin to “single combat” in a tweet. Though absolutely nobody asked him to, Musk challenged Putin to the fight, claiming he wanted the “stakes” to be control of Ukraine. Needless to say, Musk’s tweet went viral. However, if the Tesla and… Continue reading In Potential Fight Between Putin and Musk, Most Rooting for Simultaneous Spontaneous Combustion

Super Bowl Halftime Show Makes Tomi Lahren’s Head Literally Explode

Authorities on the scene have indicated that, despite initial concerns, Tomi Lahren — Fox News contributing white supremacist — will likely make a full and complete recovery, despite her head literally exploding last night. “Shortly after the the NFL’s Super Bowl halftime show concluded, we received an urgent 911 call about a sudden explosion,” Deputy… Continue reading Super Bowl Halftime Show Makes Tomi Lahren’s Head Literally Explode

Del Mar Racetrack Cancels MTG’s Stable Rental Due to Lack of Payment

DEL MAR, CALIFORNIA — Freshman Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene will no longer be able to rest her tired, cloven feet at the Del Mar Racetrack’s stable facility. This development comes after Del Mar informed Greene this week that she was “extremely delinquent” on her stable rental fees, and her contract was being terminated for lack… Continue reading Del Mar Racetrack Cancels MTG’s Stable Rental Due to Lack of Payment

NFL Approves Rule Change Forcing Anti-Vaxxer Players to Remove Their Helmets and Pads

NFL players who are anti-vaccine will be forced to strip off their pads and helmets prior to kickoff, according to a new rule change, just implemented by the league. According to the new rule, if a player has been found to “make and/or support anti-vaccine statements and sentiments,” they will have to play without any… Continue reading NFL Approves Rule Change Forcing Anti-Vaxxer Players to Remove Their Helmets and Pads

Trump: The Houston Astros Really Won Game 1 of the World Series

FARTS-A-LOT-THOUGH, FLORIDA — Last night, according to the scoreboard, the Houston Astros lost Game 1 of the 2021 World Series to the Atlanta Braves. The official final score had the Braves with three runs to the one run scored by the Astros. According to a certain one term, twice forever impeached former president, however, the… Continue reading Trump: The Houston Astros Really Won Game 1 of the World Series

Sha’Carri Richardson Suspended After Testing Positive for Snack Enhancing Drug

Olympic sprinter Sha’Carri Richardson will miss her signature 100-meter dash event at the 2021 Summer Olympics in Tokyo, now that she’s been suspended. Ms. Richardson’s suspension was handed down today, after she tested positive for a “prohibited snack enhancing drug,” according to the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency in a new press release. Richardson, in a TV… Continue reading Sha’Carri Richardson Suspended After Testing Positive for Snack Enhancing Drug

Olympic Swimmer Not Kicked Off Team After Showing to Up Practice Drunk

LAKE HOOCH, FLORIDA — 27-year-old Olympic swimmer Ryan McGee will not be kicked off the team, coaches have told reporters this morning. This, despite the fact that Mr. McGee reportedly showed up to a practice this week, according to teammates, “completely and utterly crocked.” “Ryan came to practice Tuesday morning, and it was obvious he’d… Continue reading Olympic Swimmer Not Kicked Off Team After Showing to Up Practice Drunk

Man Who Can’t Compete in Any Athletic Setting Wants to Talk to You About Trans Athletes

NEEDLEDICK, FLORIDA — 53 year old non-union electrician Joey Mahoney can’t run very well, and he never could. Joey doesn’t throw a ball — any ball — particularly fast, hard, or accurately. In fact, when it comes to skills of an athletic nature, Mahoney admits he doesn’t have any, and really never has. One thing… Continue reading Man Who Can’t Compete in Any Athletic Setting Wants to Talk to You About Trans Athletes

Ann Coulter Still Hopes to Win Triple Crown Next Year

One horse in particular is quite sad this morning. “I don’t know, at my age it’s starting to feel like my best days are behind me,” Ann Coulter told the press as she stepped away from the track at the Kentucky Derby. “I ran hard. It was one of the best races of my life,… Continue reading Ann Coulter Still Hopes to Win Triple Crown Next Year

ISIS Arranges Trade With U.S. For Hawley, Cruz, and Trump

The details of a new blockbuster trade in the Major Leagues of Religious Demagoguery are starting to emerge, though a bit slowly. According to both parties involved, ISIS and The American Taliban have agreed to swap several key players, though ISIS will end up sending mostly cash to the Republican Party as part of their… Continue reading ISIS Arranges Trade With U.S. For Hawley, Cruz, and Trump