Campbell’s Unveils New “Homestyle Chunky Antifa Missile Stew”

CAMDEN, NEW JERSEY — Campbell’s Soup announced today that a brand new recipe will hit store shelves soon, and they think it’ll be a “tremendous, bigly hit” with one person in particular — the President of the United States. Ivanka: “If Anyone is Stroking Daddy, I Would Know About It!” “Coming to stores this fall… Continue reading Campbell’s Unveils New “Homestyle Chunky Antifa Missile Stew”

Racist Cops All of Sudden No Longer Racist

“Oh shit! Holy fuck! I can’t believe it’s happening, but it’s really happening,” Black Lives Matter protester Yvette Simpkins told her friends as she burst into a conference room where a protest was in the planning stages. “It’s happening guys! Cops aren’t racist anymore. Not even, like, a little tiny bit.” Simpkins said she had… Continue reading Racist Cops All of Sudden No Longer Racist

George Floyd Looks Down From Heaven on May Jobs Report and Still Wishes Four Cops Hadn’t Murdered Him

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — While his country is still reeling from the COVID-19 outbreak, and as civil unrest is still being witnessed in protest of the extrajudicial murder of a black man by four Minnesota cops, this morning on Earth, an unctuous, fatuous, vapid, vacuous, autocratic nincompoop, who also happens to be the President… Continue reading George Floyd Looks Down From Heaven on May Jobs Report and Still Wishes Four Cops Hadn’t Murdered Him

Nation’s Guns Afraid They’re Getting a Bad Reputation from Trigger-Happy Cops

A recent poll has shown that 87% of the guns surveyed in the United States are afraid that their association with trigger happy police officers is giving them a bad reputation. The poll, conducted by polling company Here’s a Poll For You and The Cable News Association, surveyed 2000 of the nation’s roughly 300 million… Continue reading Nation’s Guns Afraid They’re Getting a Bad Reputation from Trigger-Happy Cops

Scientists Confirm Responding to Extrajudicial Homicide With ‘All Lives Matter’ Makes You a Total Cunt

It could be one of the most important scientific studies since it was proven that Senator Ted Cruz thinks about butt sex more than people actually having butt sex. In a perhaps shocking but ultimately unsurprising development, the American National Institute of Stuff has just published the results of an exhaustive analysis that conclusively prove… Continue reading Scientists Confirm Responding to Extrajudicial Homicide With ‘All Lives Matter’ Makes You a Total Cunt

Hillary Clinton Circling FBI Headquarters Shouting “Locked Him Up! Locked Him Up! Locked Him Up!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last year, in the middle of one of the country’s most hotly contested presidential campaigns, General Michael Flynn, a career serviceman who had held tenure under the Obama administration, led a Donald Trump campaign rally in a chant of “Lock Her Up!” That chant was directed at former Secretary of State Hillary… Continue reading Hillary Clinton Circling FBI Headquarters Shouting “Locked Him Up! Locked Him Up! Locked Him Up!”