Of Course I Believe a Billionaire Wants to Protect My Freedom of Speech. I’m a Fucking Moron.

What’s all this fuss about Elon Musk’s hostile takeover attempt of Twitter? By now, don’t we plebs understand that rich, white men are absolutely entitled to take with hostility anything they so desire? So what if Elon’s family got rich on the back of apartheid? So what if the man hasn’t really done anything himself other than… Continue reading Of Course I Believe a Billionaire Wants to Protect My Freedom of Speech. I’m a Fucking Moron.

If Musk Gets Controlling Stake, The First Thing He’ll Do Is Change Twitter’s Name

Billionaire Elon Musk recently purchased enough shares of Twitter to hold just under 10% of the total. It’s not enough for him to gain a controlling interest in the social media company, however rumors are that Mr. Musk is in the early planning stages of acquiring enough stock to do exactly that. Once he does,… Continue reading If Musk Gets Controlling Stake, The First Thing He’ll Do Is Change Twitter’s Name

CDC Says It’s Now Safe to Remove Your Mask In Order Tell Ted Cruz to Fuck Himself

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The Centers for Disease Control has issued the following update to their masking guidance. In the interest of public safety, The Political Garbage Chute has elected to re-print the CDC’s memo in full, verbatim, below. Since the beginning of the global COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control have worked tirelessly to keep the… Continue reading CDC Says It’s Now Safe to Remove Your Mask In Order Tell Ted Cruz to Fuck Himself

Fauci to Paul: “In My Non Self-Certified Medical Opinion, You’re a Bitch-Ass Lying Traitor”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After two years of the global COVID-19 pandemic and the federal government’s response to it, one thing is certain — there is absolutely no love lost between Dr. Anthony Fauci, a real medical doctor, and Sen. Rand Paul (Q-KY), a self-certified, pretend eye doctor. This morning, there was yet another testy exchange… Continue reading Fauci to Paul: “In My Non Self-Certified Medical Opinion, You’re a Bitch-Ass Lying Traitor”

Melania Trump’s Husband Only Interested in Ivanka’s NFT

Today, former Third First Lady Melania Trump announced that she was entering the world of NFTs. Mrs. Trump’s NFT will feature watercolor paintings of her “cobalt” eyes. As excited as Melania might be about her new venture, there’s one man we know for a fact won’t be in the market to buy it — her husband.… Continue reading Melania Trump’s Husband Only Interested in Ivanka’s NFT

Devin Nunes Retiring from Congress to Spend More Time With Trump’s Balls

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressfuck Devin Nunes announced yesterday that he will not seek re-election next year. Many speculated that Nunes was motivated by California’s independent congressional redistricting commission’s new map that should make his own district lean Democratic. However, this morning on OANN, Nunes told host Jack “Rape Melania” Posobiec that his decision to leave… Continue reading Devin Nunes Retiring from Congress to Spend More Time With Trump’s Balls

Fauci Warns MAGAs: You Can Get Omicron from Cousin Despite Taking Ivermectin or Wearing Condom

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Appearing before the Senate Oversight and Pumpkin Pie Recipe Committee this morning, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned Americans to “take caution” in preparing for their holiday gatherings and reunions. Fauci had ominous words for those living in the Bible Belt, cautioning them to “think long and hard about the omicron variant” of COVID-19… Continue reading Fauci Warns MAGAs: You Can Get Omicron from Cousin Despite Taking Ivermectin or Wearing Condom

Biologists Confirm: Ted Cruz is a Sentient Crotch Cyst

In an unforeseen turn of events, sources say that top Republican brass are weighing their options, and feverishly researching reams of legal documents, and even the Constitution, hoping to find some way to keep one of their most infamous elected officials in office. The key question is whether or not somebody is required, by law,… Continue reading Biologists Confirm: Ted Cruz is a Sentient Crotch Cyst

Experts Weigh-In: Will Your 10 Year Old’s 5G Reception Improve After Getting the COVID-19 Vaccine?

Yesterday, an FDA panel voted unanimously to recommend authorization of the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine for children ages 5 to 11 years old. It represents a key milestone in the global pandemic, and offers even more opportunities for life to return to some form of pre-COVID normal. Now, though, might be a good time to discuss… Continue reading Experts Weigh-In: Will Your 10 Year Old’s 5G Reception Improve After Getting the COVID-19 Vaccine?