Trump: Bengals Lost a ‘Rigged’ Super Bowl When Officials Kept Counting the Rams’ Points

FARTS-A-LOT-THOUGH, FLORIDA — In his mind, the Cincinnati Bengals won the Super Bowl last night, and former President Donald Trump is lashing out against the NFL for letting the Los Angeles Rams “win a sham and rigged contest” instead. In a brief written statement, which he was not permitted to post to any account on… Continue reading Trump: Bengals Lost a ‘Rigged’ Super Bowl When Officials Kept Counting the Rams’ Points

Coulter and Greene to Race at Churchill Downs for Charity

Two of America’s favorite female equine-Americans have agreed to race for charity, according a joint press release. “The Congressional Office of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, in partnership with succubus and author Ann Coulter, are pleased to announce that a race for charity between the two will be held later this year, at Churchill Downs —… Continue reading Coulter and Greene to Race at Churchill Downs for Charity

Patriotic American Rooting For Socialist Countries to Beat U.S. Women’s Soccer Team

WHISTLING DICK LAKE, FLORIDA — 34-year-old Marcus Palumbo is a self-described “├╝ber patriot,” and often tells his friends he “bleeds red, white, and blue.” The Olympics are a special time for Palumbo, because he loves America so much, and he enjoys few things in life more than rooting for Americans to do well. “Every couple… Continue reading Patriotic American Rooting For Socialist Countries to Beat U.S. Women’s Soccer Team

Gaetz Turned Down for High School Softball Coaching Job

LAKE EPSTEIN, FLORIDA — Embattled Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-Neverland Ranch) announced earlier this year that he was considering leaving Congress before his current term is up. That announcement, however, came just hours before the public found out that he is the subject of an ongoing criminal investigation into payments he transferred to people, allegedly for… Continue reading Gaetz Turned Down for High School Softball Coaching Job

Penn State Inducts Rep. Jim Jordan Into Wrestling Hall of Fame

STATE COLLEGE, PENNSYLVANIA — The Pennsylvania State University athletics department has announced its 2018 inductees into their wrestling program’s hall of fame, and Congressman Jim Jordan is among those on the list, even though he didn’t actually wrestle or coach at the college. “Sure it’s weird because he never played or coached here, but clearly… Continue reading Penn State Inducts Rep. Jim Jordan Into Wrestling Hall of Fame

Eagles Will Join Obama For Backyard BBQ

PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA — President Donald Trump has officially disinvited the Philadelphia Eagles football team from a visit to the White House, and the team has accepted an offer to be hosted by a different, more popular president, instead. It has been a tradition dating back to Jimmy Carter’s final year in office when he hosted… Continue reading Eagles Will Join Obama For Backyard BBQ

Olympics Opening Ceremony Gives Mike Pence Dangerous Levels Of Trouser Turgidity

PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA — White House officials are confirming at this hour that Vice President Mike Pence is in stable condition, but is still “shaken, woozy, and a bit confused,” one aide said, after watching the 2018 Winter Olympics opening ceremony. Pence was rushed back to his hotel room, complaining of “light headedness” and a… Continue reading Olympics Opening Ceremony Gives Mike Pence Dangerous Levels Of Trouser Turgidity