Charlie Kirk and Ben Shapiro Locked in Bitter Custody Battle Over Shared Brain Cell

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Today, papers were filed in New York district court to determine who will have custody of a single brain cell — right-wing commentator Charlie Kirk, or miniature right-wing commentator Ben Shapiro.

Kirk is the spokesman and president of Turning Point, USA, a heavily pro-conservative organization that counts Candace Owens among its leadership. Turning Point digital content is often retweeted by President Trump and his sons, Uday and Qusay. Shapiro is a man by legal definitions, and a small wooden boy by all others. Mr. Shapiro is the editor-in-chief of The Daily Wire, and he rose to prominence in the right-wing blogosphere when he started writing for Breitbart, though the 2016 election saw him sever ties with that particular media/white supremacy pamphlet outlet.

Fans of both men might have assumed their similar talking and debate points were attributable to them both being white, conservative males, who happen to have ingested the same regular diet of talk show hosts like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity for the same relative period of time. Some might assume that Kirk and Shapiro are just reinforcing the same argument, but from different perspectives. As it turns out, the papers filed in court today show that for at least a couple of years, Kirk and Shapiro have been sharing one, solitary brain cell between them.

“The lack of originality in our thoughts should’ve been the first clue, guys,” Shapiro told listeners to his podcast. “When we get back from the break, I’ll explain to you why every liberal is evil for wanting to literally go into orphanages and murder children and call that abortion. But first, let me say the exact same things Charlie said on his podcast, but in my voice.”

Over on Kirk’s podcast, the Turning Point president addressed the suit directly.

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“I guess I’m just ready to put my own take on the same exact talking points we’ve been programmed by talk radio to spew,” Kirk said, though because the majority of his face is actually not his face, but the fleshy mounds around his facial features, it wasn’t that easy to make out what he was saying. “I may look like an inbred cro-magnon, but I also think like one too! I can have my own thoughts, and I’m sick and tired of having to share thoughts with Ben! I can be my own man! I’m a grown-ass fascist!”

In the suit, Kirk alleges that since Shapiro has occasionally “lightly criticized” things Trump has done, that disqualifies him from possessing conservative brain cells. Instead, Kirk says that he is the rightful owner of the brain cell he and Shapiro share, and all the thought contained within it. Shapiro forcefully pushed back on that argument on his podcast.

“I get what Charlie is saying, or at least what he’s trying to say with such a tiny mouth on such a massive skull,” Shapiro said. “But I’m sorry, that argument doesn’t work for me, and besides, I read a book by Thomas Sewell once where he said some words that I agreed with on this topic, and then I had those words confirmed by a bumper sticker my dad put on the station wagon, and basically, what I’m trying to say is visit my sponsors and give me money and facts don’t care about your feelings and these colors don’t run and abortion is murder and corporations are people too and up is down and I’m actually eight feet tall. BOOM. OWNED. LIBS.”

Legal experts say that no matter who wins the suit, humanity will lose because they’ll both keep on talking.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.