White House Offers Compromise: Birthright Citizenship For White Babies Only

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump set the American political scene on fire when Axios reported that he plans to sign an executive order ending birthright citizenship for babies born to undocumented citizens within the United States.

Since it was written, the 14th Amendment has been legally interpreted to mean that if someone is born within the jurisdiction of the United States, they were automatically given citizenship. There is over a hundred years of settled case law to support the precedent. However, hard line, anti-immigration conservatives argue the intent of the amendment has been twisted over the years, and that it only applies to freed slaves.

While it’s very unclear what actual constitutional grounds he’s standing on for this particular order, Mr. Trump addressed some of the concerns later in the day in the Oval Office, and even suggested and early compromise to progressives who plan to challenge this move vigorously.

“Okay, so some out there didn’t seem to like me ending all birthright citizenship,” Trump told reporters. “After doing some careful thinking and tweeting from the shitter, and after my boss reminded me that his people like to come and drop their anchor babies at Mar-A-Lago, I have determined that, believe it or not, I actually agree with my critics for once — ending all birthright citizenship would be a foolish and cold hearted move.”

Trump removed a bucket of KFC from his special pocket he has added to every suit that allows him to put a bucket of KFC in it. He began eating the fried chicken as he went on.

“So what I’m gonna do is take it away for everyone except the white babies,” Trump said.

A reporter asked if he misspoke and meant “right babies” instead. Trump laughed so hard he farted extremely hard. Before speaking, he blamed Sarah Huckabee Sanders for the fart.

“No, I didn’t misspeak. White babies born to illegal immigrants on U.S. soil or in our jurisdiction will still be citizens,” Trump said. “Because you know, white makes right. I mean, why should we hide it anymore?”

Trump paused, farted again, and once more blamed it on Huckabee Sanders.

“No more wet food for you, Sarah! LOL, I’m so fucking funny, aren’t I, Sarah,” Trump demanded.

His press secretary confirmed that he was hilarious.

“Anyway, I just called myself a nationalist a few days ago, and this is a year after I defended neo-Nazis,” Trump said. “And that was after I called every Mexican a potential rapist, murderer, or other kind of violent criminal. I would have thought by now it would have been okay for us to just light up crosses on the lawns of Democrats, but sending them pipe bombs works too.”

Once more, the president farted and blamed Sanders.

“So, I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve decided, fuck it, I need my base to be foamy-mouthed and bomb-y,” Trump said. “Therefore, I’m not hiding it anymore. And by ‘it’ I mean my racism. The full-page ad demanding innocent black men be put to death was a good clue, but let’s just rip the hood completely off, right fam?”

Reached for comment, Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky said that Trump’s proposal was “unusual” but he “won’t do literally anything about it” because he “loves tax cuts long time.”

This is a developing story.

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