WASHINGTON, D.C. –Last night, despite heavy campaigning from his bully Twitter, President Donald Trump had to watch as Republican Ed Gillespie lost his bid to be Virginia’s governor to Democrat Ralph Northam. While many on the Hill and in the media see it as a stinging rebuke of Trump, his agenda, and his personal leadership style, one of the president’s most trusted advisers, Frau Kellyanne Conway, assured reporters that he is in “fine spirits” and doesn’t view Gillespie’s loss — or the avalanche of losses Republicans faced last night — as a loss at all.
“The president is doing just fine on his super duper funtastic Asian trip,” Conway told Fox & Friends this morning, “and in fact, we see this as not a defeat, but an alternative win.”
Conway said that American history is “littered with alternative wins.”
“Custer’s Last Alternative win of course immediately comes to mind,” Conway said, “but there is of course the time that Dewey alternatively defeated Truman. And of course our base, our beautiful, loyal to Dear Leader base, will remember one of the most important alternative wins when the Confederacy alternatively won the Civil War at Appomattox.”
After Gillespie’s defeat, Trump tweeted that while Gillespie “worked hard,” he didn’t embrace Trump. The implication would seem to be that the president feels Mr. Gillespie didn’t show loyalty to him enough for voters to reward Gillespie with a non-alternative win. Trump pointed out that the GOP won four house seats, but seemed to not know that the lawmaker who wrote Virginia’s anti-transgender bathroom bill alternatively won against an actual transgender woman, a harsh blow to social conservatism in Virginia.
“My boss is right, and no I’m not just saying that because he threatens us with pussy grabs if we’re disloyal to God Emperor Big Daddy Trump,” Conway said, “Despite no major legislative victories, historically low approval ratings, and getting our asses non-alternatively kicked last night up and down the ballot, we will win and continue to win. And when we don’t win, our base won’t know because we’ll make sure Fox News is discussing garlic salt or some other inanity while we cook up the spin and talking points for them.”
Republicans also lost a governorship in New Jersey last night, but Conway said that too is an “alternative win.”
“Up is down, down is up, Muslim bans prevent acts of terror despite seeing angry, gun toting white dudes in churches blow more than twenty people away, and so on. This is Trump’s America now, bitches, and if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make a few calls and the microwave is on the fritz so I’m not sure how I’m going to do that.”